10 things I love about my Connor-bear.

My sweet Connor turned 10 months old on Monday- so hard to believe. So, I decided to do a list of 10 of the many wonderful things about my baby boy, "Connor-bear".

Connor has a great sense of humor. He is a stitch to get to giggle and is a good sport. His sweet babysitter, Candace, made this mohawk for him and as you can see...he was quite pleased with himself.

Connor is always looking at me so adoringly with the most precious smile. He is a little love bug and is a total mommy's boy. I can make his smile like no other. What a precious gift he is.

Connor gives Landon a run for his money already. Here he was holding his own wrestling with his big brother. Landon makes Connor laugh so hard- the cutest little belly laugh- whenever Landon is around!

He loves his baby cousin Zaiya. Zaiya is not so sure about Connor b/c Connor could practically eat Zaiya! But, Connor is always reaching for Zaiya and I am sure will be a great big cousin to him.

Connor loves to eat. Those of you who know my dear first born understand why I included this. Basically, it needs no further explanation. :)

Connor loves trying new things...

And even lets me take pictures of him smiling while he enjoys such new things!

Connor is very curious. He has actually figured this remote out. He can turn the tv on at 10 months!! I am not sure I should be proud of that!

Connor is always within my arms' reach. He is constantly wanting me to hold him, read him books, walk him around the house while he holds my fingers, sit with him, cuddle him, tickle him...he just amazes me each time I look at him and how he has grown. He is my little love bug.

He is ready to GO! Connor is a couple weeks away from walking, crawls like it is his job, cruises everywhere, opens every drawer and cabinet in the kitchen, climbs the stairs, climbs Landon's little picnic table, and loves every minute of it. He is well on his way to toddlerhood and I cannot believe it. What happened to my little baby boy? Happy 10 months my precious Connor. I cannot imagine my life with out you. I love you to the moon and back and am so grateful God has blessed me with the gift of your life and the privilege to be your mommy.

So, here we are.

This past weekend, we spent some time at Stan's parents' house. It was a "good first" without L.D. - hard, but good. L.D. always would talk about fishing the pond with the kids and so we decided that was definitely the order for the day. Wilson was a bit troublesome in making our quest to actually catch fish a reality. He was jumping at the water and splashing around- just like a puppy should be doing.

Nanny's little buddy sure did brighten her day. They were buds at the pond, in the golf cart and in the new sandbox!

Landon has started talking more about Pappa to us. In fact, last Monday before nap time, he asked me a lot of questions, like, "Mommy, does Pappa have new legs?", "Did God give Pappa wings?" "I want Pappa to be here with us, why does he have to be in heaven?" He also told me that he missed Pappa and that he didn't like Jesus. I think of this from a 3 year olds perspective- why would he like Jesus, his Pappa is with Jesus and not with us- very concrete. We talked a lot about God and Jesus and about Pappa being so happy. We talked about seeing Pappa again when we go to heaven. He then wanted to know if Raffie would come to heaven too. :) At the end of our conversation he said, "Mommy, I do love God, just a little bit- not a lot because I can't see him, but I do love him a little bit." Please pray for me as I parent Landon and teach him about God and the love God has for Landon. It is humbling to think that God has chosen me to be a parent and to teach this precious child about him.

Kay taught Connor her tissue box trick. He enjoyed it for a time but is a boy on the move. Landon used to sit for a long time and just pull tissues out of the box, one after another- a huge mess- but so much fun for him. Connor pulled out a few with Kay's prompting, but was quickly grabbing her fingers for her to walk with him or to push the new toy that Nanny got him pictured above. He is a ball of energy and ready to walk. I cannot believe it. He has already taken a few steps. So different as Landon was not even crawling at this stage in the game!

Landon bonded with Moo moo and Uncle B. I think his imaginary pet horse, Bullseye, was sitting right between he and Moo. Bullseye just appeared last week and has been a great addition to our family. He minds mommy and eats all of his food. He goes to school with Landon and is kind to Landon's friends. Sometimes he runs ahead of Landon and we have to call him back or go find him, but he has not yet had to have a time out. I think we will keep him around a while. :)

Landon and Anna are so cute with their bond over their stuffed "lovies" and the need to snuggle their "friends". Landon was asking for Raffie at this point so he could snuggle him tight and Anna got the biggest kick out of his words since she was the same way as a child.

Here Connor was just amazed by Wilson. These two stood looking at each other, Connor talking and Wilson enjoying every minute of the attention. Connor loves dogs already. I can tell he is going to be the one asking for a puppy in a few years. :)

Another pond shot- I love this one.

So, here we are. We are doing ok. There are days when I just cannot believe L.D. is gone, like he just called last night. There are days that it feels like it has been a year since we sat with him in his final hours here on earth. I am learning about grief. But I have a lot to learn. I am learning about this new normal and about all of the new things that come along with it. I am learning what is eternal and what is just not important. I am learning a lot about prayer and about taking myself and my own selfish desires out of it. I am learning the value of true friends, who genuinely walk with us through the storms. I am learning about generous hearts willing to give time, even people who barely know me, to extend their care and concern. I am learning that there are some pretty wonderful people on this earth. I am learning to love more and to pray more. I am learning that God's will for my life is the absolute best for me. I am learning to trust more and doubt less.

I am treasuring even more the time I have with my children. Watching Landon grow up and tell me he "loves me so much" and watching Connor sleep in my arms are evidences of my time well spent. May God guide my every step, my every thought and may my life be a reflection of his love to all those around me.

Moving Forward

Well, its been over two weeks now since my father-in-law passed away. We are all still searching, still hopeful for that "new normal" that people talk about to become a reality for us. Many thoughts continue to race through my mind as I reflect on the past month and the acceptance I have to come to grips with of L.D. being gone from this earth.

God continues to be so present. This is the only way I can describe it. Stan and I were having a conversation Saturday night about prayer and how the death of L.D. has made us think about our role in prayer and exactly what it means to pray. We also talked about Psalm 139 and how God knows us even before we are born, before we are conceived, he loves us and knows all the days of our lives. On Sunday morning, our Pastor talked about prayer, and you guessed it- mentioned Psalm 139. God is so awesome in his presence and in his way of meeting us exactly where we are. I continue to be in awe.

Tonight we read "The Dragon Fly Door" with Landon. If you have ever needed a book about grief and losing a loved one for a young child, I highly recommend this book. The book is about two nymphs who are the best of friends. One nymph dies and becomes a dragon fly. The story talks about death in a way that a child can see death as being beautiful. The dragon fly tells the one she left behind that she will see her again when she dies. The nymph who is left behind is sad, but looks forward to the day she will see her friend again. I was touched while we read it and Landon wanted to share it with Stan too. He told me at the end of the book, "I don't want Pappa to be a dragon fly." If we ever doubt children's ability to understand death, dying and grief- we shouldn't. Landon is aware, and much more so than I thought.

He has also started stuttering in the past month. I know that this too shall pass. It is just so amazing to me how kids pick up on things no matter how much you try to shelter them. Stan and I are really trying not to be away from the boys much this month as they try to adjust back with us to a "new normal".

I titled this post "Moving Forward" because I have been giving a lot of thought to having to get back into life after loosing my father-in-law. It feels almost disrespectful to live life, to act as though things are normal, to enjoy life. I know that we have to move forward, we have to live this life to the fullest- after all, that is what L.D. taught us. I also want to consider it moving forward, not "moving on". When I think of the phrase "moving on", I think about getting past something and forgetting it. I don't want to forget L.D. or all that he meant to me and my family. I want to treasure those memories, to remember all that I can, to keep the stories alive for my boys. I want to move forward because I have the work of the Lord to do. He has me here for a reason and I want to live to make that reason count. I want to live a life reflective of his glory.

The following pictures are our move forward...

Us at Rebecca's (my first cousin) wedding. During the wedding, there was a prayer offered for the family of L.D. Cole- how special. How very dear of my sweet cousin.

Kay actually went with us. We were so delighted to have her spending time with the boys. Here she is playing "Horsie" with both boys, saying giddy up, giddy up and "bucking" them off. Both boys loved it! Kay is an amazing Nanny. She loves these boys so much and it shows in every fiber of her being. We are so very blessed to have her and love her more than words can begin to express.

This is my growing 3 year old. Landon is getting so big. He is growing out of his clothes and shoes, he is even saying he is a "big kid" now and is able to carry on conversations with the adults- what happened to my baby?

Here Landon is pretending to be Buzz Lightyear. He has homemade wings from my mom. My parents were amazing during the past two weeks. I called them and asked them to come and take care of the kids. The next morning, bright and early, they showed up and have been our rocks throughout this unthinkable time in our lives. I am so thankful to have their support and to know that through all of the tough stuff we had to go through, they were there taking care of our boys, loving them and giving them security that they needed.

This is Landon eating a moonpie. When I asked him what he was doing, he replied, "Just eatin' and moonpie and thinkin' about Pappa." Landon and L.D. shared many a moonpie together. L.D. always knew I didn't like Landon to have too many sweets and would slyishly give me a grin and ask if he could offer Landon a moonpie if he finished his lunch. How could I say no? :)

Here's to moving forward. Here's to living life in a way that would make L.D. proud. Here's to keeping his memory alive. Here's to continuing to reach out and ask you all for your continued prayers.

Better than an Hallelujah

Words, thoughts and memories have been swimming around in my head for days now. How do I collect them all and write something that makes a little sense? How do I even write anything down that can even touch on the deep love and admiration I had and still have for my father-in-law? I will try but know that this post, while maybe lengthy and full of loving words, in no way can possibly capture the emotions filling my being as I reflect on losing my loved one.

My dear father-in-law passed away a week ago Saturday. His life was a gift and I want to keep his memory alive for my boys. It doesn't seem fair to lose their grandfather before they really even got to know him. But, the legacy that L.D. left for my boys through their father is a true gift. L.D.'s legacy lives in Stan and I am so grateful to have had L.D. for the time that we did. He was the best father-in-law in the world.

I had trouble giving this post a title. How do I put a title on something so important, so tender? Should I call it "Untitled" since no words can truly capture the whole of this post? Would "Loving Reflections" be too cliche'? Anything I came up with sounded, well...off.

I was listening to Amy Grant's latest album this morning and the song, "Better than an Hallelujah" came on. The words filled the room and it struck me that L.D.'s life was lived in a way that was "Better than an Hallelujah".

The song reflects on many examples of cries out to the Lord in times of desperation and says that each of these cries, "the honest cries of breaking hearts", are "Better than an Hallelujah." This last week as we walked through L.D.'s last days together as a family, there were many cries out to the Lord and I believe all of these cries were better than 1,000 hallelujahs.

Hallelujah: an expression of praise used to express joy, thanks or admiration to God. How can hearing that your father-in-law may not make it and watching your mother-in-law receive this news be considered "better than an Hallelujah?" How can watching your husband lose someone he describes as "his best friend until you came around" be considered "better than an Hallelujah?" How can watching your 24 year old sister-in-law lose her daddy be considered "better than an Hallelujah?" There are so many more, so many cries of desperation out to the Lord that I witnessed this past week.

The way that I have to cope with L.D.'s death is through my faith and the faith of my family. Watching Pa Cole (L.D.'s father) come into the hospital room as L.D.'s passed from this earth was an example, if ever I have seen one, of the Holy Spirit at work. He went around to each one in the room, hugging them and stating his assurance that L.D. was home, he was with his Lord and Savior and God knew what was best for him. The reason all of these sad sad events are better than 1,000 Hallelujahs is because each one, each person, lifted their cries to God, trusting him whole heatedly to do the best thing for L.D. Each family member was a witness to God's love and promise, truths that L.D. helped to instill in his family and anyone he ever met.

L.D. was a man of such integrity. He was strong. He was tender. He was truly a wonderful father who absolutely put his family first- after God. He was a strong Christian with a very strong faith. He and I talked on many occasions about our faith and the way that faith got us through this life. Though L.D.'s physical body failed him in the last several years, he "squeezed every drop out of life he could". He didn't hesitate to go to the Asheboro Zoo with Landon right before Connor was born. In fact, when I sent to email about going to visit our relatives there at the zoo, he replied, "punch my ticket!"

He went camping with Stan only a little over a month ago. Though he was confined to a power chair most of the time, he made the camping trip work, even sleeping outside under the stars without a tent- taking a picture to show Kay and all. We just went out to eat for father's day where we presented him with a chair he wanted, a chair he gave Stan many many hints about wanting- he had a way of making his requests known. :)

He and Stan talked on the phone several times a week which meant I got to talk with him pretty often too. He always made sure he told me how much I meant to him and that he loved me.

He took time to get to know our boys. Landon Dow was named after him and L.D. called him, "Little Buddy". L.D. went with Stan to get Landon's first haircut done by L.D.'s barber, Paul. L.D. videoed the whole thing. L.D. loved to share moonpies with Landon and any other sweet treat he had around. Landon definitely got more than his name from his Pappa!

He described Connor as a "little sweetheart". Connor would just sit so comfortably in his arms, looking up at him so adoringly. L.D. also called him "Bubba #2" as Landon was "Bubba #1".

I used to take both boys to visit Kay and L.D. on some of my days off. I am so glad I did that. I am grateful for the time that L.D. had with our boys, the boys who will carry on his family name. Though it is so hard to realize that Landon and Connor will not get to know L.D., L.D. knew them for this time, and he made that time count. His influence on their lives will certainly live on through Stan and even me.

L.D. impacted my life in so many ways. He was always tender with Stan and Anna and I marveled at the way he showed them his love for them. I was so touched to become his daughter-in-law and it would be no surprise that he scooped me up and loved me like his own. I truly believe he was a gift to us all, that his life was lived "Better than an Hallelujah" and his legacy will live on forever.

God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.
God loves a drunkards cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The woman holding on for life,
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes
The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out,singing out.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Now for a trip down memory lane...

Stan and Landon built this snowman this past winter. L.D. would send pictures every day as he melted and say things like, "I'll be back again some day..."

One of our pictures with Nanny, Pappa and Connor. I really wish I had more, but I am so glad to have a few.

Tough to realize this is the last picture the kids will have with all of their grandparents. But, at least we have this one.

That is L.D.'s hand, reaching down to play with Connor. Connor was always just mesmerized by L.D. I think it was L.D.'s warm and loving smile.

Connor's baptism in March. I am so thankful he was able to be there. What a treasured family memory.

L.D. got Stan and Landon Redskins hoodies to match his this past Christmas. It is hard to think that was our last Christmas together. But, I am so thankful for the memories we made and the time we spent together.

Here is L.D. and Landon watching a show together- probably Mickey Mouse. :) I am not sure which "L.D." was in charge here.

This was Landon visiting L.D. in the hospital after he was born. It was Easter Sunday and I remember how super glad L.D. was to see Landon. He really lifted his spirits and we enjoyed such a wonderful visit that day. We are so thankful for every moment L.D. got to spend with Landon.

Does he look proud or what? I not sure if he is more proud that Kay is his wife or that Anna is marrying such a wonderful man in this picture- taken at Anna and Brandon's wedding rehearsal.

This picture grips me. This was the first time L.D. saw Landon. He was very sick, but made the trip to our house, could not get out of the van, but we brought his first grandchild out to the car so he could hold him, his namesake. I still tear up when I see this picture.

One of my favorites, from Kay's retirement party. What a loving and wonderful husband he was. I always recognized how supportive and complementary he was of Kay. He was so proud of her.

Never missing an opportunity to celebrate a family member's success, here he and Kay are with me at my graduation from grad school. We had such a wonderful night and this is my favorite picture of me with the best in-laws in the world.

L.D. loved to cook steaks with Stan. This picture was taken on our beach trip in 2005 to Holden Beach. We had such a great time eating and having a "sorriness" contest- basically who could be the laziest on vacation. He was such a great father and friend to Stan. These two were as close as a father and son could possibly be. I pray for this kind of relationship for my boys with Stan.

Here L.D. is showing off his Duke shirt. He and I always had a rivalry going on since I went to UNC. He never hesitated to give me a hard time. I am so glad Duke won the National Championship for him in 2010. That takes a lot for a UNC grad to say, but I am so glad L.D. got to enjoy that.

One of our family trips to see Ma and Pa Cole. I really could not have been more blessed.

This was the day veterans were honored at Kay and L.D.'s church. We all went to church together and honored L.D.'s service in the military. He was so proud of his service in the marines, yet so very humble. What a wonderful gift to be able to celebrate with him.

L.D. and Pa Cole "paddling" on the pond behind Kay and L.D.'s house. L.D. loved a canoe- that is for sure. He actually went out in their pond within the past 2 months. I am glad he did that.

I am pretty sure this picture was taken the same week Stan and I were engaged, back in 2001. L.D. helped Stan pick up my engagement ring and I love the story of Stan and L.D. carrying it out of the store looking over their shoulders to make sure no one was after them. :)

I will always remember how much L.D. loved breakfast. He was always in charge of breakfast and it was no small fruit and bread meal...he cooked eggs, bacon, biscuits, gravy and even pork chops some times! He knew how to start his day off right and Stan has definitely inherited that from his dad.

I will miss L.D. so much. I already do. I am so thankful for the time I had with him and for the fact that a man as wonderful as he was, was my husband's father and my sons' grandfather.

Thank you all for the phone calls, emails, facebook messages, cards, flowers, meals, visits, etc., but especially for your prayers. Please keep us all in your prayers as we go through a year of firsts without our L.D.

Cole Family Excerpt

Big news for our little fella. Connor has not only started crawling, but he has started pulling up and cruising! I never imagined my not even 9 month old would be trying to walk! He is waving, clapping and he has gotten his first tooth. Teething has been just miserable for the little guy and I am hoping once he gets used to teething, it will get better. I feel so sorry for him! He absolutely loves to chase Landon around and grab whatever cord he can get his hands on. He is definitely into much more than what Landon was into at this age. Landon didn't crawl until 10.5 months so that makes a big difference! Connor loves to eat, loves to nurse and loves his mommy. He also loves his babysitter, Kim and just lights up when he sees her. He has recently started loving to play peek-a-boo. Kim got the greatest video that will work on getting up so you can hear his contagious giggle. He is napping well now and sleeps through the night regularly. He is a rooster as 6:00 is his normal waking hour, but who can complain when he sleeps all night? :) He is our "Connor-bear" and it is so hard to remember life without this little gem.

Landon is growing! He has recently gained about an inch and at least 2 pounds. He is actually growing out of some of his 2T shirts! It is so exciting to see him growing (esp. since his eating habits still resemble a bird). We have been using 1-2-3 Magic with Landon as our discipline approach of late. Stan has gotten on board and even ordered the audio tapes. I noticed Stan using the technique this evening at dinner and I must say, I was impressed. Landon is doing well with it and I think we have finally found our discipline method that is best for Landon. He hates to be counted and hates time out in his room. Maybe we are getting there. :)

We recently took Landon to his first movie, Toy Story 3. We got popcorn and let him pick a candy and took Nanny with us. Landon was glued to the screen and absolutely loved it. He shared his candy with everyone and was just perfect. I do have to say that there had to be some redirection when he tried to shoot our waiter at the restaurant with his laser "just like Buzz". That boy!

Speaking of Buzz, apparently Buzz woke him last night because "he kicked Landon". Landon has the best imagination. Trying to temper that little mind is a challenge, but what a gift it is to watch him grow and develop. He is starting to write his name too! Crazy!

Landon also made this picture for his Pappa. You can see that the whole family, including Pappa's dog, Wilson is represented. His name is there to the left- very touching that his first time writing it was on Pappa's picture. Stan's dad has been in the hospital for 2 weeks now. Things have been rough. We have had great support from family and friends which is an amazing blessing.

Seeing someone you love so much endure such pain and suffering is not easy. It is also not easy being in the medical field and noting the things that those caring for my father-in-law are not doing. I really try hard not to be critical, but dang...some things are just plain frustrating.

I think we made some real headway today and I felt great about the new attending in charge. Please pray for my father-in-law and for our whole family- esp. my mother-in-law, Kay. We know that LD is in God's hands and we are asking for God to heal our sweet LD and free him from pain. Please pray with us.

Rest for the Journey

Back to reality has come quickly and kind of "in your face" since we returned from our whirlwind of vacationing.

Today, I finally got a chance to be caught up on laundry and ironing, have a clean house, have a quiet time and have a chance to exercise....now I can see through these clouds.

Stan mentioned to me a couple of nights ago that I really sympathize with people, he said, "I don't want to talk about it anymore, I am trying to get it out of my head." I guess part of that is Stan being an engineer and me being a nurse. I can see the value of "getting it out of your head" but I also know that keeping it in my mind brings me to prayer much more often. Besides, it's part of who I am I guess.

The past couple of weeks have been wrought with many concerns for return or progression of cancers, news of a miscarriage of a family member and my father in law having to endure intense physical pain while waiting for the medical team to develop a plan for surgery.

I find my mind racing, thinking, praying. In the midst of a busy mind, I also am awake by 6:00 most mornings to feed Connor and Landon has been having a tough time going to bed, some nights not until 10:00. And Landon...behavior challenges have returned and we are reading up, talking and trying to get a hold on it. Rest, are you serious?

Then, as I reflected and was lead to the Psalm below, I realized that God is giving me rest, it is here for the taking.

Psalm 131 (The Message)

1God, I'm not trying to rule the roost, I don't want to be king of the mountain.
I haven't meddled where I have no business
or fantasized grandiose plans.

2 I've kept my feet on the ground,
I've cultivated a quiet heart.
Like a baby content in its mother's arms,
my soul is a baby content.

3 Wait, Israel, for God. Wait with hope.
Hope now; hope always!

Happy Belated 4th!

We had a delightful 4th at Oak Island with Heather, Ryan, Emma and Reid. Yes, the 8 of us shared a 2 bedroom house and it was actually a ton of fun! Of course, Connor got a room to himself and Stan, Landon and I "camped out" in the living room in sleeping bags. We went to the beach, the kids slept on the beach, we went out to eat and actually got to enjoy a lime margarita, we had some alone time after the kids went to bed one night and basically, just had a great time with the best of friends.

This is the best picture we got of the 4 kiddos. Hilarious watching the 4 adults trying to get all four kids to look at the camera.

Heather and I had lots of time to catch up. Boy was that needed. Heather is, simply put, a sister to me. She and I have been through a lot of ups and downs together and our friendship is nothing short of an absolute gift from God at the very perfect time in our lives. Seeing Heather this weekend with her two precious kiddos and wonderful hubby was absolutely food for my soul. Here we are enjoying some lime "mommy juice" as we chased the four kids around the beach. Fun times.

Here Heather and I are after a time of relaxation- Connor is sleeping in my arms (2 hours) and Heather is in the background bouncing Reid to sleep. My how times have changed. :)

Here are our two bruisers. Reid is 10 1/2 months and weighs at least 25 pounds. Connor is 8 1/2 months and about 22 pounds. These boys are going to be a force to be reckoned with.

Now, here are our two eldest children. They fit the bill for eldest children and had a wonderful time together...I am not sure who was "in charge" more... :) Emma and Landon picked up right where they left off from last year. It is really interesting how they connect...it is like they just know how special their mommies are to each other!

Playing on the swing set and having a blast!

Raffie made his usual appearance. Boy this giraffe gets around!

My favorite picture from the trip. Stan and Connor enjoying a stroll down the beach. Many memories were made this weekend. Memories we will take with us forever. One of my other favorites was Heather and Emma and Landon and I watching Fire works. Landon said, "Mommy, I know I like Firecrackers!" We all sat on the sidewalk, watching a local firework show. It was just one of those moments that will forever be etched in my mind. Another memory was me running into a spider web while Ryan was filming Heather and the kids releasing butterflies. I was screaming and screaming and seeing that huge big ole' nasty spider in my hair made me scream some more. Ryan got it all on tape...I am sure he will hold on to that for blackmail! Friends like Heather and Ryan are priceless. We are so very grateful.