About the Ocean

Something about the ocean puts me at ease. Something about the ocean takes the pain away. Something about the ocean helps me see God and his majesty in ways never otherwise seen.

When I sit and look at the vast waters before me, peace surrounds and comforts me, tears streaming down my face, I rest in His presence.

Why can't I find this peace elsewhere? Why am I gritting my teeth now as I listen to two screaming children refusing to take their naps? Two children I deeply love, but honestly, need a break from. Why do I feel like I need a break from God's two most precious gifts to me. Why does it take me such a short time to lose that peace, that center, that rest. Why do I feel so frazled? Why do I feel like I can't ever get anything done?

I guess this is the reality of living in this busy world. The reality of parenting young children. I love my kids, wouldn't take anything for them. And there are NO buts. I am just yearning to allow God to center me daily, so I don't fly off the handle so easily. How do I find the time for my bible study when I can barely get sleep right now? Rest. Where. are. you?

When I get a few minutes, I will BLOG about our wonderful trip to the beach. Until then, I must go take away Landon's screaming turtle that is keeping Connor up and me from napping.

Missing "Cricket"

Yesterday was my grandmother's birthday.

Grandma was a very special friend to me.

I remember Grandma's nickname, "Cricket"- that's how everyone new her.

I remember when she got on the above motorcycle. She was giggling the whole time. What a true joy!

I remember her hands, so strong yet so tender.

I remember her laugh, her smile and her saying, "I swany!".

I remember how she loved my grandfather and how she commented one day while looking through old photo albums, "When I first met your grandfather, I thought he was the biggest man I had ever seen, and mighty handsome."

I remember when she would buy a new exercise machine for my grandfather yearly- none of them were ever used!

I remember shopping with her for a dress to wear to my wedding- she sat while I decorated her in dresses she would never have picked but ended up loving- because they were for my special day.

I remember how she sounded when she answered my weekly phone calls.

I remember when she stayed in the rehab center and shared a room with a 98 year old lady named "Mike". I remember how the two of them giggled like school girls while talking about how good lookin' their doctor was. "Mike" said, "I may be 98 years old, but I am not too old to be in love!"

I remember how she hugged me.

I remember her saying, "Never take a wooden nickel".

I remember her saying, "It will come out in the wash, but it may not be clean."

I remember her sheepish giggle when she met Coach K at MY college graduation from UNC. She lit up like a Christmas tree when he touched her shoulders and told me she would never wash that shirt again.

I remember how delighted she was to receive a letter from Coach K wishing her well as Alzheimer's disease began to take its toll.

I remember how she looked to me when her memory began to go- she looked to me for reassurance and guidance.

I remember answering the same questions for her over and over, but loving every minute of my precious time with her.

I remember our last visit together before she went into the hospital for surgery and never ended up leaving. We sat on the back deck. We shared lemonade and sprite as we looked over the rolling hills that warm May day. I can still feel the breeze. I can still taste the lemonade. Something told me that day to go. I was busy, I was working a lot, I was consumed in my own life. Something told me to make that day trip. Boy am I glad I did. I still remember her smile as I pulled into the drive way. The wink in her eye as she said without words, "You shouldn't have come but I am sure glad you did." I remember holding her hand, telling her how very much I loved her and how special she was to me. I remember her crossing her legs, sipping her drink and reflecting on days gone by.

I remember the last time I saw her as death was nearing, her victory in this life soon to be won as she went on the be with her Savior. I couldn't stay, I couldn't watch. She wouldn't meet my baby boy. She wouldn't be there for me to call. I wouldn't be able to hear her voice. I couldn't cope.

I knew it would catch up with me. I miss my grandmother. I think losing LD has made me think a lot about my loved ones I have lost. I struggle with the way grief goes in our society. Move on, "they're ok", or "they should be".

I miss you Grandma. I trust that it was your time. I am so thankful to have had the time with you I did. I will look forward to seeing you again one day.

Catching Up

I thought this would be a great title for this post...first I wanted to share our wonderful Labor Day. We went to the North Carolina Mountains and visited my parents at the cabin and Kay, Anna and Brandon at Lake Lure. We stayed about 30 minutes away from each other. On the way there, though, we stopped to see Pa Cole.

We had a great visit with him, as always. He was so delighted to see the boys as always. He was able to witness a little of Landon's boisterous personality. I guess I can't blame him- we left at 9:00am and didn't get to the mountain until 5:00 with two stops on the way. Basically, he was an energy ball, bouncing off every wall in Pa Cole's house. Good thing my dad came with us. He was a huge help in keeping him occupied. Pa Cole also enjoyed catching up with my dad. They talked about music and lots of memories, most of which involved L.D. It was a very good visit.

We also got a pass at the Rumbling Bald Resort pool! Stan and Landon are pictured here under the mushroom splasher. Landon really warmed up to it and had a great time with his daddy.

Landon also bonded with Aunt Moo. Here he is enjoying a moonpie with Anna. These two are so sweet together and Stan and I are so thankful for she and Uncle B! Landon thinks they both hung the moon (or moonpies...:)).

Nanny got some Connor hugs...

And Landon nibbles... (check out those shades)

Mommom got some pool time in the lazy river with Connor, who LOVES the water! Mommom had a great time floating around with this little fella...

Here Connor has gotten a hold of Landon's new Buzz Lightyear...a perfect chew toy! Don't tell Landon!

We sufficiently wore them out.
Even Landon feel asleep in Mommom's arms. She minded not one bit! :)

I even got some Landon snuggles. These don't happen too often anymore. I minded not one bit either. :)

Landon and Connor got to watch Raffie with my mom. Raffie is awesome. He is a children's song writer and singer who has been around since I was a little girl. Here they are both pointing to him and dancing (and singing- if you call it that). My mom was so delighted! Brings back a lot of memories.

Landon got to go on his first boat ride, thanks to John and Karen Thomas. John was L.D.'s best friend and the couple who let Kay, Anna and Brandon stay at their condo on Lake Lure. They were delighted to be able to take us for a boat ride. Landon was great! We road for at least an hour and a half and he sat still the whole time. Stan and I were so proud!

Landon was proud that he found his first wild turkey feather!

Landon wore Pop out.

We really had a great time. Stan, my dad, and Brandon got to go golfing two days in a row. They had a blast. Kay, Anna and I went shopping one day and played with the kids at the pool the other day. My mom was the designated babysitter and was delighted.

It was nice to be able to be in the mountains again. It is so peaceful there. Though we were out and about, there was something healing about that crisp mountain air. I also had a chance to really bond with my mom and get some of my raw emotions out. It was also very healing for me.

Catching up is something I am working on. I feel like I am in a time warp. I think about the fact that it is September and wonder where July and August went! We have been so busy, have spent so much time away from the kids, the house, our life...it has started to take its toll. I have needed to catch up on sleep, laundry, emails, birthdays, phone calls, yardwork, upcoming conference registration, mail responses, etc. Life keeps on moving. We just keep putting one foot in front of the other. God sustains is daily. God teaches us daily.

I have been blessed by some really special friends and family over the past 2 months. I really appreciate it.

My friend, Lucia, took both boys (while being 7 months pregnant with a 2 year old) so I could go by myself to the coffee shop. Thanks Lucia! I read a book about grief, a sad sad book, but- very healing and very interesting how different the circumstances of myself and the author, but how very connected I was to her thought processes. It was a true gift to have that time.

I have received many phone calls, cards, emails, FB messages- all from very supportive friends and family and have really appreciated them all.

I even had a surprise cd and devotional book in my mailbox yesterday from "a friend". The cd is one I have been really wanting-the new one out by Amy Grant. Obviously this person knows me well. Thank you whoever you are. You brightened my day and I am listening to my cd now!

My sister has taken the time to come help, even while taking care of a 7 month old and being sleep deprived herself- and has brought her friend Jenn along- they let me sleep while they watched the boys!!!!! What a gift! Thanks Karen and Jenn!

My sweet babysitter, Kim, adorned my table with beautiful sunflowers, just because they made her think of me! Thanks Kim, they truly did brighten many days!

My loving sister-in-law just took the time to "get me" after witnessing Landon be mean to me. Her eyes said, "I understand". She gave me a big hug and told me it would be ok. She followed it up with an invitation to get a pedicure! Thanks Anna!

My mother-in-law sent me the most wonderfully encouraging email about being a good mom. That was truly a gift as I have been doubting myself a lot lately. Coming from a mother I deeply admire, I am so honored and humbled. Thanks Kay!

My mom and dad have been awesome. Just. plain. awesome. Thanks for all the support and care of the kids. It has been a true gift.

Of course, my loving husband. What would I do without him? Though we live together and it would be easy to just exist together. We have shared wonderful talks, late night movies, he has brought me flowers, watched the kids so I could sleep/have a quiet time/have coffee with a friend.

From my church family, my wonderful support group of mommies in my playgroup, old and new friends, family, coworkers, Landon's daycare, I truly have been blessed in this time of grieving. I never imagined how it would affect me, esp. in the midst of trying to raise a baby and a 3 year old. I appreciate the prayers, the encouragement and the understanding. I need it all.

Just-a-swingin'

I wanted to update with a positive note...I love these boys, and I love watching them discover new things. Connor's first time on the swing was a definite hit and Landon even got on the "big kid" swing for the first time. How precious these two gifts.