Soberly Thoughtful

For this post, I am chosing to use this definition of Melancholy: soberly thoughtful; pensive

Soberly thoughtful describes my thinking lately. Feeling sober and fully aware of the loss in my family has begun to catch up to me. It is not a dream, it is not a thought, it is reality. It is in the midst of that "soberness" where my thoughts are desperately trying to come to completion and simply can't. Whether due to an interruption of noise, another thought, a responsibility, I find myself spinning, trying to hold together lots of loose ends.

These "incomplete cycles" as my dad calls them, are coloring my world right now. There are few quiet moments when I can bathe in God's word. These times are nourshing like nothing else. I want more.

My dear friend tells me to take 5 minutes and trust that God will imprint the words even from those 5 minutes on my heart- trust Him to give me what I need.

Time is pressing on. Things continue to change, lots for the better.

There just doesn't seem to be any space for me right now. I feel selfish. I feel frustrated. I want to sit in quiet and breathe. I want not to have to tend to someone's needs be it for two hours.

I guess my purpose of Blogging about this melancholy feeling is to ask for your prayers.

10 things I love about my Connor-bear.

My sweet Connor turned 10 months old on Monday- so hard to believe. So, I decided to do a list of 10 of the many wonderful things about my baby boy, "Connor-bear".

Connor has a great sense of humor. He is a stitch to get to giggle and is a good sport. His sweet babysitter, Candace, made this mohawk for him and as you can see...he was quite pleased with himself.

Connor is always looking at me so adoringly with the most precious smile. He is a little love bug and is a total mommy's boy. I can make his smile like no other. What a precious gift he is.

Connor gives Landon a run for his money already. Here he was holding his own wrestling with his big brother. Landon makes Connor laugh so hard- the cutest little belly laugh- whenever Landon is around!

He loves his baby cousin Zaiya. Zaiya is not so sure about Connor b/c Connor could practically eat Zaiya! But, Connor is always reaching for Zaiya and I am sure will be a great big cousin to him.

Connor loves to eat. Those of you who know my dear first born understand why I included this. Basically, it needs no further explanation. :)

Connor loves trying new things...

And even lets me take pictures of him smiling while he enjoys such new things!

Connor is very curious. He has actually figured this remote out. He can turn the tv on at 10 months!! I am not sure I should be proud of that!

Connor is always within my arms' reach. He is constantly wanting me to hold him, read him books, walk him around the house while he holds my fingers, sit with him, cuddle him, tickle him...he just amazes me each time I look at him and how he has grown. He is my little love bug.

He is ready to GO! Connor is a couple weeks away from walking, crawls like it is his job, cruises everywhere, opens every drawer and cabinet in the kitchen, climbs the stairs, climbs Landon's little picnic table, and loves every minute of it. He is well on his way to toddlerhood and I cannot believe it. What happened to my little baby boy? Happy 10 months my precious Connor. I cannot imagine my life with out you. I love you to the moon and back and am so grateful God has blessed me with the gift of your life and the privilege to be your mommy.

So, here we are.

This past weekend, we spent some time at Stan's parents' house. It was a "good first" without L.D. - hard, but good. L.D. always would talk about fishing the pond with the kids and so we decided that was definitely the order for the day. Wilson was a bit troublesome in making our quest to actually catch fish a reality. He was jumping at the water and splashing around- just like a puppy should be doing.

Nanny's little buddy sure did brighten her day. They were buds at the pond, in the golf cart and in the new sandbox!

Landon has started talking more about Pappa to us. In fact, last Monday before nap time, he asked me a lot of questions, like, "Mommy, does Pappa have new legs?", "Did God give Pappa wings?" "I want Pappa to be here with us, why does he have to be in heaven?" He also told me that he missed Pappa and that he didn't like Jesus. I think of this from a 3 year olds perspective- why would he like Jesus, his Pappa is with Jesus and not with us- very concrete. We talked a lot about God and Jesus and about Pappa being so happy. We talked about seeing Pappa again when we go to heaven. He then wanted to know if Raffie would come to heaven too. :) At the end of our conversation he said, "Mommy, I do love God, just a little bit- not a lot because I can't see him, but I do love him a little bit." Please pray for me as I parent Landon and teach him about God and the love God has for Landon. It is humbling to think that God has chosen me to be a parent and to teach this precious child about him.

Kay taught Connor her tissue box trick. He enjoyed it for a time but is a boy on the move. Landon used to sit for a long time and just pull tissues out of the box, one after another- a huge mess- but so much fun for him. Connor pulled out a few with Kay's prompting, but was quickly grabbing her fingers for her to walk with him or to push the new toy that Nanny got him pictured above. He is a ball of energy and ready to walk. I cannot believe it. He has already taken a few steps. So different as Landon was not even crawling at this stage in the game!

Landon bonded with Moo moo and Uncle B. I think his imaginary pet horse, Bullseye, was sitting right between he and Moo. Bullseye just appeared last week and has been a great addition to our family. He minds mommy and eats all of his food. He goes to school with Landon and is kind to Landon's friends. Sometimes he runs ahead of Landon and we have to call him back or go find him, but he has not yet had to have a time out. I think we will keep him around a while. :)

Landon and Anna are so cute with their bond over their stuffed "lovies" and the need to snuggle their "friends". Landon was asking for Raffie at this point so he could snuggle him tight and Anna got the biggest kick out of his words since she was the same way as a child.

Here Connor was just amazed by Wilson. These two stood looking at each other, Connor talking and Wilson enjoying every minute of the attention. Connor loves dogs already. I can tell he is going to be the one asking for a puppy in a few years. :)

Another pond shot- I love this one.

So, here we are. We are doing ok. There are days when I just cannot believe L.D. is gone, like he just called last night. There are days that it feels like it has been a year since we sat with him in his final hours here on earth. I am learning about grief. But I have a lot to learn. I am learning about this new normal and about all of the new things that come along with it. I am learning what is eternal and what is just not important. I am learning a lot about prayer and about taking myself and my own selfish desires out of it. I am learning the value of true friends, who genuinely walk with us through the storms. I am learning about generous hearts willing to give time, even people who barely know me, to extend their care and concern. I am learning that there are some pretty wonderful people on this earth. I am learning to love more and to pray more. I am learning that God's will for my life is the absolute best for me. I am learning to trust more and doubt less.

I am treasuring even more the time I have with my children. Watching Landon grow up and tell me he "loves me so much" and watching Connor sleep in my arms are evidences of my time well spent. May God guide my every step, my every thought and may my life be a reflection of his love to all those around me.

Moving Forward

Well, its been over two weeks now since my father-in-law passed away. We are all still searching, still hopeful for that "new normal" that people talk about to become a reality for us. Many thoughts continue to race through my mind as I reflect on the past month and the acceptance I have to come to grips with of L.D. being gone from this earth.

God continues to be so present. This is the only way I can describe it. Stan and I were having a conversation Saturday night about prayer and how the death of L.D. has made us think about our role in prayer and exactly what it means to pray. We also talked about Psalm 139 and how God knows us even before we are born, before we are conceived, he loves us and knows all the days of our lives. On Sunday morning, our Pastor talked about prayer, and you guessed it- mentioned Psalm 139. God is so awesome in his presence and in his way of meeting us exactly where we are. I continue to be in awe.

Tonight we read "The Dragon Fly Door" with Landon. If you have ever needed a book about grief and losing a loved one for a young child, I highly recommend this book. The book is about two nymphs who are the best of friends. One nymph dies and becomes a dragon fly. The story talks about death in a way that a child can see death as being beautiful. The dragon fly tells the one she left behind that she will see her again when she dies. The nymph who is left behind is sad, but looks forward to the day she will see her friend again. I was touched while we read it and Landon wanted to share it with Stan too. He told me at the end of the book, "I don't want Pappa to be a dragon fly." If we ever doubt children's ability to understand death, dying and grief- we shouldn't. Landon is aware, and much more so than I thought.

He has also started stuttering in the past month. I know that this too shall pass. It is just so amazing to me how kids pick up on things no matter how much you try to shelter them. Stan and I are really trying not to be away from the boys much this month as they try to adjust back with us to a "new normal".

I titled this post "Moving Forward" because I have been giving a lot of thought to having to get back into life after loosing my father-in-law. It feels almost disrespectful to live life, to act as though things are normal, to enjoy life. I know that we have to move forward, we have to live this life to the fullest- after all, that is what L.D. taught us. I also want to consider it moving forward, not "moving on". When I think of the phrase "moving on", I think about getting past something and forgetting it. I don't want to forget L.D. or all that he meant to me and my family. I want to treasure those memories, to remember all that I can, to keep the stories alive for my boys. I want to move forward because I have the work of the Lord to do. He has me here for a reason and I want to live to make that reason count. I want to live a life reflective of his glory.

The following pictures are our move forward...

Us at Rebecca's (my first cousin) wedding. During the wedding, there was a prayer offered for the family of L.D. Cole- how special. How very dear of my sweet cousin.

Kay actually went with us. We were so delighted to have her spending time with the boys. Here she is playing "Horsie" with both boys, saying giddy up, giddy up and "bucking" them off. Both boys loved it! Kay is an amazing Nanny. She loves these boys so much and it shows in every fiber of her being. We are so very blessed to have her and love her more than words can begin to express.

This is my growing 3 year old. Landon is getting so big. He is growing out of his clothes and shoes, he is even saying he is a "big kid" now and is able to carry on conversations with the adults- what happened to my baby?

Here Landon is pretending to be Buzz Lightyear. He has homemade wings from my mom. My parents were amazing during the past two weeks. I called them and asked them to come and take care of the kids. The next morning, bright and early, they showed up and have been our rocks throughout this unthinkable time in our lives. I am so thankful to have their support and to know that through all of the tough stuff we had to go through, they were there taking care of our boys, loving them and giving them security that they needed.

This is Landon eating a moonpie. When I asked him what he was doing, he replied, "Just eatin' and moonpie and thinkin' about Pappa." Landon and L.D. shared many a moonpie together. L.D. always knew I didn't like Landon to have too many sweets and would slyishly give me a grin and ask if he could offer Landon a moonpie if he finished his lunch. How could I say no? :)

Here's to moving forward. Here's to living life in a way that would make L.D. proud. Here's to keeping his memory alive. Here's to continuing to reach out and ask you all for your continued prayers.