Love as doing...not feeling

I read something this week that struck me: "Love is something we do, not something we feel."  It was in this Blogpost that I also really resonated with...and that also led me to The Message version of that all too familiar Scripture in 1 Corinthians 13...

"Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end."

I love how reading different versions of the Scripture can open your eyes to insights that you may not have seen before.  I particularly like The Message because I feel I can identify with the words that Eugene Peterson uses...especially when he says things like, "It doesn't fly off the handle..."  I get that.

When I saw the picture that the author posted with her writings from the referenced Blogpost, I paused...

"Love is something we do, not something we feel."

I agree with this mostly.

But then I started to think about Jesus and how he lived his life of doing love.

What an example, a perfect example.  I also recently resonated with a piece from the book, "You and me Forever" that is a book about marriage not being forever, it's until death do us part...then comes eternity...and what are we doing to prepare and equip our spouses for their eternity (great book by the way)?  The piece I resonated with was about Jesus and his life, his sacrifices, his hurt, his pain, his rejection.  Frances Chan said, and I am paraphrasing "Do we really mean it when we say we want to be more like Christ? Do we know what that means? It means rejection.  It means pain. It means total self sacrifice."

Total self sacrifice. This is NOT of this world.  It is not "fair" in this world.

I thought about this in light of the love thing I mentioned...

If love is doing and not feeling...what does that look like?

And what does that statement do to all of those time when I say, "I don't feel loved?"

I will admit that is a hard pill to swallow.  I think it is because of this world we live in and the influence it has over our daily actions and thoughts.  This is a "me first" world and I get swept away in that.  That is not the way of Jesus.

Dare I say...what would Jesus do if he came home and day after day saw a mess everywhere he looked, saw piles of things undone that he knew he had to do...the list of these things endless...even down to replacing toilet paper rolls that no one else will do!!

How would he respond?  Would he say, "It is not fair that I have to do it all!!  I need some "me" time too!  What about my needs?"  

No he would not.

Do I really want to be more like Jesus?  Do I really want to do more loving instead of feeling it?

This is how I am feeling, like David:

Psalm 40:13-17The Message (MSG)

13-15 Soften up, God, and intervene;
    hurry and get me some help,
So those who are trying to kidnap my soul
    will be embarrassed and lose face,
So anyone who gets a kick out of making me miserable
    will be heckled and disgraced,
So those who pray for my ruin
    will be booed and jeered without mercy.

16-17 But all who are hunting for you—
    oh, let them sing and be happy.
Let those who know what you’re all about
    tell the world you’re great and not quitting.
And me? I’m a mess. I’m nothing and have nothing:
    make something of me.
You can do it; you’ve got what it takes—
    but God, don’t put it off.

God, don't put it off...God help me!

And, he is, he is always waiting for me to come to him and to learn from him. He knows what is best for me and that is spending time with him, spending time reflecting on his word and on his truths.  The more I do this, the less likely my days are to unravel and to spin into the self sacrificing pity party.

It makes me think of the way I view our decision to have Connor is ballroom dance...You might think that he readily goes each week.  He does not. He does a lot of the time, but he also fights me.  I battle in my mind...should I make him go?  I see his talent, I see his heart, mama knows better than he for he cannot see what I see.  How can I convince him that this is for his good in so many ways before his is mature enough to realize it himself?  Until that day when he says, "Thanks, mom, for pushing me to do that...and thanks mom, for spending that special time with me."  He is being exposed to culture as all of the instructors are Ukrainian, he is being exposed to etiquette, in how to treat a girl, in manners, in how to hold himself, in how to work hard to meet goals, in how to bloom outside of the shadow of his older brother...but he does not see any of this. Mama does. Mama also sees the importance of time away with this sensitive middle child of mine, time at dinner, just the two of us, to allow his soul to release and shine.

What is it that God sees and I do not?  I cannot figure out why some things are the way they are.  Why the crucibles in my own life?  Why in yours?  I don't see the big picture, but He does.  He sees how the crushing nature of my job and other struggles are good for me, somehow. He sees more than I see.  He knows my heart, so much more than I know Connor's and I feel know that so very well as his mama.  He longs to spend time with me, even more than I long to spend time with Connor.  And in the same way that I delight in seeing Connor shine...thinking about God seeing me that way, brings a big smile to my face and my heart.

So love is doing. Love is choosing. Love is a feeling too...but we all have learned that feelings aren't what we trust because they change and are so dependent on circumstance.  Today I am going to choose to do love...and pray that my sweet family sees it, while I look to see the way God is doing things in my life, loving me through it all.

Weak Coffee

Good Morning my friends! What a night.  I went to bed early because of the worst sinus infection I have ever had.  Head is killin me.  I finally did what I had always told others to do...the sinus rinse. Ugh. Gag.  Stan got me a heating pad, the only one he could find, and it was like a warm brick. Therapad, you are not for me.  It was endearing that Stan got it for me though, so I snuggled it strategically onto by neck and upper back and drifted to sleep immediately.

About an hour into my slumber, I heard a kid. Screaming, crying, then silence.  Stan is outstanding at night kid duty on a normal basis and even more so when I am sick, which, let's be honest...doesn't happen much for us moms...moms with super powered immune systems.

Not to long after, I heard about loud noise, feet pounding the ground, running to the bathroom...just in time to get most of the vomit in the toilet.  Stan entered the room...gentle..."When is the last time you gave Lindsay Jane medicine?  Connor is puking, we forgot his lactose tablet at dinner.  Not sure what we will do tomorrow (because of course, tomorrow is one of the two days I work at my ridiculously demanding job as an NP) but we will talk about it then."  I answered him and returned to my brick pillow, desperate for rest.

And...then a bit later, same screaming and crying, this time, "Mommy, mommy, mommy!!"  I left my bed, ran to little Lindsay Jane and helped her go pee pee.  At least that was all it was this time, but she normally does not do this.  Poor thing had snot running down her face and because I have that same dreaded cold that has now morphed into a sinus infection, I know how miserable the nights have been.  I tucked that sweet thing in, gathered 4 more Motrin and took my headache to bed.

I awoke to the alarm clock and to silence, one of the sounds I do not often hear and yet, crave.  I allowed myself some minutes to sit in it, to listen to God.  You know what he told me..."Just write."

Now?  "Right now".  You see, I have not had space for writing or singing this season of my life. And...truth be told, I like to have a plan to start writing on here.  After all, I want people to be able to connect and I want to listen to the words that God is speaking to me and share that...but sometimes I have such a need to be perfect that I don't just do it.

I came right on downstairs and in the midst of my furry to get everything done last night so I could go to bed, I made my coffee really weak.  It's like hot water with creamer.  This is the second time I have done this in a week.

So, instead of getting mad, remaking it and starting my day off in yet another state of "being behind" I decided to bring you all my weak coffee.  I am drinking it.  I feel it relates to my life right now with how I am hearing God.  I am so busy with trying to keep it all together.  Let's be honest, 3 kids at 3, 6 and 9 and a job, a husband and...I am training for a half marathon to keep myself sane...what?  That just scratches the surface of the things that go on behind closed doors.  Either way, I am constantly going, constantly cooking, washing, folding, charting, homeworking, disciplining, being intentional...I don't have time to sit still in the quiet and hear God.  But, am I taking every single opportunity to do that or am I existing and accepting weak coffee?

It does not taste good.  It is not rich, it is not satisfying, it is not even good for my headache without the caffeine in it.

God does not want us to accept weak coffee, as it relates to our relationship with him.  He desires for us to know how deeply we are loved, how rich that love is and how drinking from that spring of living water makes all other tasks and callings fall into place.

One step, one scoop at a time, I am committing to paying more attention to what I am doing.

And, Lindsay Jane is up again, crying.  Time to remake that coffee...

We Made It!!

It has been a crazy time here at our house.  Stan was out of the country for 8 days in India.  It was a trip of a lifetime for him with an opportunity to see the world and we are glad he could go, but it was hard here...

I tried to keep the kids occupied and doing our normal life things.  This picture says a lot.  Lindsay Jane at the table doing a sweet little craft and my boys in the background playing either Pokemon or something else boy.

Landon worked on his "Circus Maximus" project for school.  Um.  That was quite the undertaking. My boy had no problem with the craft part and building...it was the writing.  Um. Pull my hair out. But, he got it done and was very proud to turn in a completed project that was actually quite impressive!  I would post the picture, but in the midst of the last 2 weeks I also got a new phone and all of my old pictures are on it...trust me, it was stellar.  And he was very proud.  Even though he really preferred calling it his "Gluteus Maximus". Boys.

My mom came to help.  What a gift.  This was the first night she was here.  This morning started with a parent teacher conference with me!  It was so nice to have her there...so, I treated her with a trip to Merritt's!  We thoroughly enjoyed our BLTs and coffee together.  A Chapel Hill must.

This picture was before she and Connor's date.  I have been teaching the boys about how to treat a lady.  So, I gave Connor 20 bucks and let him try out his new skills of chivalry on my mom.  She said it was one of her favorite nights ever.  True story.  This little boy has a gift of making others feel loved and special.  He has an innate ability to recognize ones feelings and also to show them his love through not only words but actions.  He opened doors for her, paid for the meal and honored her.  I would be so lying if I didn't say I was so so proud of him.  I was also so grateful to be able to give that gift to my mom.

Then there were these two...also a sweet sweet bond.  Watching my dad with my little girl brings me back.  It brings me back to all of the times I rode on my dad's shoulders, kissed his cheek, played tickle monster with him, played hide and seek, went camping...you name it...my dad, he was simply the best growing up, and still is.  So so thankful my kids get the chance to experience his love and sweet spirit.  You know, Connor gets his big heart from this guy.

Do you know how happy this picture made him?  I see this little girl following in my footsteps in so so many ways.  It is so unbelievable.  She is a born nurturer, she loves Doc McStuffins and can often be found "doctoring" her stuffed animals and baby dolls and she took to a baseball glove like she was born to wear it!!!  Yep, that's my girl!

Next event?  Zaiya's 6th birthday party at our house!!

Love this sequence.  I am not sure who is more happy?? My mom or the birthday boy!!  There is something about watching a sweet child enjoy his/her own birthday celebration.

Zaiya's half sister even came into town to celebrate the sweet little fella!!  Both Zaiya and his mama were so happy to have Lourde here!  She so loves her brother and Karen.  And we love getting to see her. :)

Present time!  Here, Connor is presenting Zaiya with the rainbow loom sling shot that he traded a Pokemon card to get for Zaiya from another student on the bus.  I tell you what, sweeeeet...heart right there. It just made my heart melt.

And a baseball glove for Zaiya too!!  Pop was happy!

Lindsay Jane could not be forgotten.  She ran and got her glove back on too!  Mommom was equally as excited as her mom, my grandmother, was quite the softball player as well!

This was plain classic.  This is the Minecraft lego kit that Zaiya wanted for Christmas and did not get...but Connor did.  Zaiya told Connor at Christmas that Santa must have gotten confused...Bahaha!

Everyone likes watching new gifts be opened!!

And they really like cake!

Sweet boy!

And...there is always time for reading with Mommom...what a treasure.

Speaking of treasures...

Though it was freezing cold, we got out and rode bikes.  Lindsay Jane seems to be catching on faster than either of her brothers with a determination to do everything they do!

Dad and Landon threw the baseball.  You should have heard all the giggles....

There was a marathon Monopoly game...

There was the Superbowl...which Landon stayed up to watch!

Lindsay Jane, mom and I made homemade sugar cookies...you know, my stress release...

Lindsay Jane helped Mommom make her peanut butter and chocolate kiss cookies.

Lindsay Jane entertained us...

And, I got to bring my co-workers these scrumptious cookies...

It was a great week for so many reasons.  It was also a hard week.  There was a 10.5 hour time difference.  We had a few meltdowns.  Our fish died.  We had a funeral.  We laughed.  We cried. We got along.  We fought. We missed the bus only once.  I kept up with my half marathon training. I got a pedicure thanks to my parents seeing I needed a break.  We made it to church.  I made it to work.  I accidentally put premium fuel in my mini-van. I bought a season's worth of Peppa Pig to soothe my 3 year old since she couldn't have a lollipop for dinner.  I got to spend some real quality time with my mom.  My dad and mother in law also came to help me.  My friends made meals.  My friends picked up my kids.  What a village I had!  

But...I am sure glad to have my other half back and the kids have been more themselves...such a testimony to the importance of Stan's relationship with each of them and me too.  We made it but I am so grateful that is not my norm.  I have to hand it to all single moms out there.  All of you should wear a cape.  Maybe ALL of us moms should wear one!