Daily Manna

If this picture wouldn't provide at least a day's dose of life sustainment, what would?

So, I said I would get back to my BLOG about this book I am reading...no idea it would be today.  That's how it works when you have three kids...you never know when you will have space.  When you get it, you better take it!!!

As Lindsay Jane naps and Stan and the boys are taking care of our Sams club trip of the month...I am here in the quiet.

I woke this morning early, just in time to fight back the "battle of the blankets" and find my way downstairs to meet with God.  Well, if you have children, esp. more than one and even more esp. more than two...you know what the odds are very good that one of them will be up before 6:30.  This morning it was my Lindsay.  Sigh...I said.  I decided to go ahead and get her, letting Stan keep his head on his pillow for this morning.  I decided I would go ahead and feed her and enjoy being grateful for her health.

You see, I had a scare 2 weeks ago with her having a high fever, high white blood cell count, a diagnosis that little baby girls aren't supposed to have...thus more testing is warranted to assure there is nothing wrong.  It was in those moments while I waited for the urine to come back, knowing how high her white blood cell count was (being a nurse practitioner in this scenario is NOT a positive), waiting to see...what step would be next.  I prayed with all my heart, my palms sweaty, my face white like a ghost, tears just coming.  I prayed that she would have a UTI. What?

I knew that it was the best of what was unknown.  I knew that it was treatable.  I knew it could be cured.  Then, the words came...positive white blood cells in the urine, positive culture, confluent growth.  There was no doubt that it was a UTI.

After 2 doses of the antibiotic, she went to sleep.  Sigh, I said.  I can rest.  But I did not.  I watched her breath on the monitor.  I woke at least every 30 minutes, looking at her chest rise and fall.  I decided I needed to go in and check for fever...she was HOT!  ...she then immediately vomited.  Again, and again- 3 times.  I thought, we are headed to the ER!  Breathe.  Sigh.  Nurse the baby.  I nestled her close, nursed her, she held it town. I gave Motrin...brought that fever down and she returned to sleeping, never to vomit again.

It was in this experience that I was reminded of all I have to be grateful for.  And, I was humbled as I thought about those I hold dear and know have not heard those words...they longed to hear..."its a virus, culture is positive and it can be treated, she will return to complete health".  I am grateful for tests that tell us what is wrong, for medicines that can treat illnesses that used to take people's lives and for people who are trained to guide the process. My daughter's health is something that I will not take for granted.  Thanksgiving.

The book I am reading is called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voscamp.  I have previously mentioned it.  It is in reading this book, a long with scripture and prayer, that I am realizing my need to give thanks is not only what will bring me closer to God, but what will keep me alive, my daily manna.

When God told the Israelites that he would provide bread (manna) daily, they didn't believe him.  He told them to only gather enough for one day except for on the day before the Sabbath, where they could gain enough for two days so that they could rest on the Sabbath.  If they did gather too much and try to save it, it would become consumed by maggots- except on the day of the Sabbath.  They also were not to gather any manna on the Sabbath, they were to rest...they went out and tried to gather anyway...there was none to gather.

I got to thinking about being grateful and how it happens.  I recognize my need to give thanks, I look at the baby girl sleeping in my arms after I feed her.  I feel such peace.  I am so grateful for her eyelashes, her perfect little nose, her chest that rises and falls, her wisps of hair growing in barely on her little perfectly shaped head...I put her down, I watch her sleep.  I am at peace.  I leave the nursery.  My sweet Connor wakes up...screaming...maybe he pees on the floor (on purpose) or maybe he even pees on our cat (don't even ask!).  He demands that I come right away and Lord knows I better or he will wake his brother and his sister I just got back to sleep.  I gather him in my arms.  Love him.  He screams again, he doesn't like his clothes in his drawer, he is hungry now.  He is not in the mood to accept my grateful heart.  So, guess whose attitude also changes?  This girl

So, how do I gather enough thanks for the day.  It is certainly something I need to do every day, I recognize that for sure.  I see my thought processes changing.  And though peeing on the cat is maddening, I am grateful in some way that he can stand.  That he can pee on his own.  That he is expressing himself as a normal three year old does.

Gathering my manna in the form of thanks is something that I cannot store up enough of either...for tomorrow.  I have to gather it daily, hourly, by the minute.  Look around.  I see evidence of life, health, family.  I see toys on the floor, but I am so grateful for the 6 little hands who play with those toys.  I hear boys fighting, disobeying, back talking.  I am so grateful that my little ones can talk, they can reason (whether it is reasonable is up for debate), they can think...the ability to find thankfulness in all things is opening up my world in a way that I am embarrassed to say, is new.  I have long considered myself a grateful person...but I am learning now, that I have a long way to go and I am starting now.

It is amazing how there is thanksgiving to be found in overflowing laundry baskets, dish-filled sinks with full dishwasher waiting, shoes thrown on top of the shoe rack instead of within, spots (from who knows what type of liquid...) that have become stains on the carpet, little boy underwear wet for the 3rd time in a day in a little boy who is too busy with play to bother, changing dirty diapers, living in a constant state of sleep deprivation and sandwiches or left overs for the 3rd night in a row cause mama is too busy with this raising up of children to cook a warm meal.

If you haven't read this book, you need to.  I am not usually a person who might push a book on other people, but this one is worth it.  I am only on page 111 and it is a slow read, I would say.  But, it is changing my life- not because of the book itself, but because of the encouragement it gives to draw closer to my Lord with a heart of thanksgiving.

Promised Update...in a nutshell. Happy Belated 4th!

The picture above is kinda a good reflection of our 4th of July Celebration.  We never got to see fireworks this year because of all the rain and storms.  But, we did get to see this view....which ain't too bad.  We spent the 4th at the Cabin with my parents.  Well, Connor, Lindsay and I did.  Stan and Landon went "camping" in the rain...

Here is Landon standing at what would have been the Cole Boys Camping Trip hang out...Ummm...look at that river!  I am glad that Daddy and the other Cole boys decided to opt for higher ground and stayed at Alan's condo for the weekend.

You can see that Landon did manage to have fun with the other Cole Boys and I truly believe that Cole Boy antics are innate...

Stan and Landon made a stop to see Pa Cole.  I just love this picture.  Landon just reminds me so much of Pa Cole, especially with this expression!!

The Cole Boys 4th of July Camping trip was a tradition long before I came along.  I am glad they are still keeping it up and look forward to seeing my boys get to know the Cole side of the family better.  There could be no better role models for my sons.  What a blessing.

Meanwhile, Connor got some 3 on one adult time once Lindsay Jane went to sleep at the cabin.  He loved the sparklers!!  Isn't it wonderful that Sparklers bring so much joy.  Though we didn't see the "Big Ones", Connor was totally enthralled with what we had.  A lesson for me I think...

Not to be left out, Lindsay Jane was showing off one of her favorite toys and that awesome smile.  Unfortunately, this was the weekend she began getting sick with her urinary tract infection...a scary time for this mama.

Landon and Stan arrived on Friday and more fun continued.  Mommom made sure to have some indoor activities for two rowdy boys who have not been able to get outside much this summer!!!!

Lindsay Jane, watching the rain.

The weather cleared and we headed for whatever break we could get.  Though it was a little chilly...the boys convinced Stan to jump in the lake.  What a wonderful daddy.

Um....Dad, did you really just do that??

OK, guess I will too!!

Landon fished off the dock, even catching his own little sunfish!

Getting so so big...

And, not to leave that kayak on top of our mini-van...Stan was determined to get it in the water after being rained out at the river.  So, we improvised.  Hilarious.  I am telling you, this may look ridiculous, but the boys had an absolute blast and so did Stan.  Boy was it sweet, watching my boys out there like little ducklings behind their daddy.

Landon then stayed for Pop and Mommom Camp for the second year in a row.  Treasured times, thankful hearts and irreplaceable memories...

Water gun time!

Catching a salamander.

He wanted to keep the salamander as a pet.  He and Pop and Mommom then looked up where salamanders live...he says, "They live in lakes, creeks and streams, so we had to put him back in his home."  He learned a lot with Pop and Mommom, not just about salamanders, but about the unique bond one has with grandparents.  I am so very grateful that my parents can and are willing to give this gift to my son.

In the lake with Pop!

Getting more and more brave.  He did jump off the dock once, but went under water and was a little taken aback by that....he did tell me that he ALMOST did it again and was very proud of that fact.  I was too.

In the lake with Mommom.

Releasing the salamander back into his home.

Well, that's it for now.  I promised our 4th of July update and there it is.  I have a lot more to catch up on but life has been a little crazy lately between Lindsay's urinary tract infection, me missing work (home and UNC) because of it and playing catch up.  

The boys are enjoying their time together this summer but I am starting to understand that lyric in the Christmas song..."And mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again..."  

I am working on my creativity, but the rain has made it very challenging to keep these boys active.  I am taking one day at a time and loving these little ones as best I can.  I am also reading a book that is really changing my life.  More on that later...and how being grateful and practicing that skill can truly change your life.  

Wish I could write more, but the kids have been up for a while and Stan has been letting me have a break before I start my day with my babies and he goes to help his sister move.  Happy Saturday!!

"non-eucharisteo"

Well, how about that for a title?  I just started reading Ann Voscamp's one thousand gifts...I started it a while ago and was so sad after reading about the accidental death of the author's little sister that I put it away...

I felt I needed to pick it up again today.  My dear friend, Nancy, raved about this book.  She told me it was one of the best books she has read.  I am now seeing what she was talking about.  Boy, though...it is raw.

That is how I have felt lately and I have felt bad about it.  I don't want to BLOG about feeling low.  I want to be inspirational and exude gratefulness.  I have such an abundance of things to be grateful for!  But, that is not how I have been feeling.

Thus...the "non-eucharisteo" title.

From Ann Voscamp:
Eucharisteo- root word is charis, meaning "grace". It comes right out of the gospel of Luke, "And he took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to them..." Luke 22:19 NIV- The original language "he gave thanks" reads "eucharisteo".  Eucharisteo also holds its derivative, the Greek work, chara, meaning "joy".

Charis- Grace.
Eucharisteo- Thanksgiving.
Chara- Joy.

Ann then lead me to Luke's gospel and the story of the 10 lepers...who Jesus healed.  You know how many thanked him for their helaing?  One.  And Jesus said, after already physically healing him, "Rise and go, your faith has made you well." Luke 17: 11-19.

I thought he was already "well".  Maybe not wholly...I think that is the point... Jesus counts thanksgiving as integral in a faith that saves...wholly...not just physical healing, but spiritual, emotional, complete healing.

"He who sacrifices thank offerings honors me, and he prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God." (Psalm 50:23)

I think I am learning that the only way I can fully experience all that God has for me here on this earth, in this time, is to practice thankfulness...even when it is hard.  Even when I hurt.  Even when I watch those around me hurt and I don't understand.

It is easier to sit and be frustrated...about my insecurities...my inadequacies as I see them...my shortcomings...because that is what comes natural to me.  I hate to admit it.  I so quickly join in and feed my insecurities when people don't act the way I think they should or the way I want them to.  I start beating myself up with my thoughts.

Am I experiencing the true wholeness that God has for me in him?  Am I seeing that gift of joy and grace in the bread of life?

The leper's faith was a faith that said thank you. I am sure he had practiced beating himself up in his mind a time or two!  But, he stopped.  His first response was to thank Jesus.

There are opportunities in my every day...in the cleaning of the dishes, the folding of the laundry, the wiping of the noses, the cleaning of the bottoms, the tasting of tears on soft baby cheeks when she wants only me, the greeting of the husband as he walks in from a long day of working, maybe later than I had hoped, to provide for our family, the disciplining of strong healthy young boys who will be men before I blink, the picking up the toys for the 100th time, the late online grocery shopping, the trip to the bathroom I had to make despite the baby crying outside the door not wanting to separate from her mama...opportunities to see the eucharisteo...the thanksgiving...the blessings.

After all, every thing I just mentioned is a result of the answer to many many prayers to have the family that I have.  So blessed.  So humbled.

"Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens.  This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live." 1 Thessalonians 5:18 The Message

I want to live a life that exudes gratefulness...eucharisteo...I think about how I connect when I take the Lord's Supper...the bread and wine, the body and blood.  The Lord's Supper gives me chance to pause.  To really think.  To remember Jesus dying.  To be thankful.  I always feel so much more centered after taking communion...

But, how can live in a way that is more reflective of the positive form of my title?  Hard stuff.

I will tell you what.  I know that God wants me to be thankful.  It says it throughout scripture.  He wants to me to thankful in all circumstances.  No matter the news, the gossip, the disappointment, the hurt, the anger, the loss, the sadness, the ridicule...What would my life really look like if instead of wanting to be thankful and talking about it...if I actually lived thankfulness out...it was my first, not my last thought of what I should feel?

This is my prayer for me.  I want to turn this title on its head.  I want to be able to think like the one leper. I want my first thought to be thankfulness.  Lord help me to live the way you want me to live, every day, every minute, every thought, every breath.