You see this beautiful mess? It is my kitchen in the midst of life. Life with three beautiful children, a loving husband, wonderful friends and extended family and a very special and often draining career.
Lately, my career has been especially difficult. Finding the life/balance has been nothing short of exhausting as I am facing the hard task of helping a patient of mine die. This is not something we are accustomed to doing in pediatrics, especially since 6 of my 9 years of practicing as an NP have been in the primary care setting. Now I work with the UNC feeding team in Pediatric GI, so being at a tertiary care center, in the specialty clinic, makes this type of scenario a bit more of a possibility. But, still, not something you can ever anticipate. My little patient is only 3 years old. I have taken care of her for 2 of those years. I have grown very close to both she and her mother. I know just how to calm her down when she is experiencing stress. She doesn't talk and cannot tell us what is causing her stress. But, I know that if I sing, "You are my sunshine" she will lay still and almost even smile.
I also know how to help her mother when she is experiencing stress. She has an amazing sense of humor and an inspiring faith in God. We joke, we cry, we talk about Jesus's own suffering as his Father watched. Did I mention we cry?
Finding the strength to balance such a role along with trying my very best to be a present and loving mother to my three precious children and amazing husband has forced me once again to see my need to trust the Lord.
There have been so many times when I have questioned working part time. My job doesn't stop. I can't tell this patient's mother that I got off work at 5 (which never happens anyway!). There have been times I have had to take a call while playing kickball with my children. I question whether what I am doing is the right thing.
As a mom who is at home part time and works part time, I get stress from both worlds I exist in. "Why don't you quit your job and stay home full-time, then you would not have to divide your emotions or time?" AND "Do you ever plan to work full-time and add more clinic days, we could use your help?"
Stan and I have prayed and prayed over this question. My dear friends have prayed over this question on my behalf. We have all come to the very same conclusion that God has called me to this profession and to mothering and that he has me right where he wants me. I just have to trust him, not relying on myself, which is when I start to feel off balance.
You see, in the midst of dealing with adjusting narcotics and other controlled medications for my dying little patient, I have received numerous communications from Landon's school. He is struggling in 2nd grade. His teacher is tough. His confidence is suffering as his school assignments bleed red all over. His teacher does care, but is a tough cookie to crack. His principal does care and I took the time to meet with her one morning before heading into work to see my little sweet patient, talking with the palliative care team on the way back to the hospital from his school. His school struggles are not unique, but they are to Stan and I. Neither one of us had such struggles, but let's just all agree that elementary school now is a little like middle school way back then!!!!!!!!!!
I found myself retreating into myself, as I often do when very stressed. I asked my dear dear friend, Janise, to hold me accountable for this pattern and she did (WOW, that's a true friend!). She called me out on my lack of communication and prayed for me right then and there. Then, another friend called and I answered (something I don't usually do when very stressed but did because of the aforementioned prayer) and she wanted to pray for me too. Just earlier that same day, another friend came to my house, helped me with Lindsay so I could get my work done and brought me dinner so that I didn't have to worry about it. She also let me cry and cry.
You know what, God is in the midst of all of this stuff. He wants me to rely on him and I fight that all the time. I get in the midst of my multi-tasking self and have it all under control. Then, I don't. Then, I again realize that I have not been called to all of these roles to complete by myself. Actually, were it in my hands, I would certainly fail. Thank goodness I am surrounding by such an amazing cloud of witnesses to hold me up when I am down and remind me that God has me here for a reason.
Stan and I got out on a date on Friday night with some dear friends of ours who we dance with. Not only do we dance with them, we learn from them and with them in the parenting journey. We also worship with them and lead our Sunday School Class together. The words spoken at dinner that night, "You are doing the Lord's work" were yet another confirmation that God is in this.
He is in the midst of my beautiful mess. What looks like a mess to me is a beautiful masterpiece in his eyes. I think of a quilt with the underside a mess of knots and frays...while on the front, a beautiful display of colors and patterns delights each eye that passes by, causing those eyes to smile in wonder and marvel at the beauty of such a creation.
Now, on to that beauty...that the beautiful mess of my kitchen allowed me to create.
Oreo cookie spiders! What fun!
This one was a bit challenged with only six legs. Landon made sure he pointed this out and informed me that this was not, in fact, a spider.
But, as you can see, he let it go and still managed to have fun! And, of note, all of his spiders had 8 legs... Is he a first born or what?
Love this one!
Tada!!! Halloween craft number one complete!
Now, on to Fruit Loop trees...this guy said, Mommy, I don't want to glue them down because that will waste the Fruit Loops! Can you tell these kids don't get Fruit Loops very often! hahaha!
Not letting that one go to waste!
We shared with our friends at playgroup. I provided a small bowl and told them to make sure to eat some and to put some on their trees. :)
Love that little face. Lindsay Jane is quite interested in little crafts like this.
Happy kiddos!
Next craft, stain glassed tissue paper leaf cut outs.
Very artistic little crew!
And, the finishing touches. Connor is my little artist. He loved this craft and I loved doing it with him...SO much!
Next craft...messy craft! Shaving cream and paint leaves!
Sophia loved getting her hands all messy!
But not as much as Emelia did!
We dipped the leaves in the shaving cream and set them out to dry.
Yay!!!! What fun being messy and being a kid!
That night, we had a shower for our dear friend, Lauren, who is having her 4th little one. In our little mommy group there are 7 moms and 19 kids!
Our fabulous hostess.
Lucia, cake making extraordinaire!
Ryan took the picture and Stacey was out of town. But here are the rest of us!
Lauren, cutting baby number 4's cake!
And, opening her sweet baby gifts. What a blessing children are! Every one of them!
Next fall event: Hot chocolate drinking!
I am pretty sure that Lindsay Jane likes this Cole Family tradition!
Time to make sugar cookies!
And a little playing "Nurse Practitioner" while they sat in the fridge to harden...
My little sous baker...
What a joy it is to be in these moments with my kids. If this right here isn't a perfect concluding picture of a post titled, "My Beautiful Mess", I don't know what would be.
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