Missing "Cricket"

Yesterday was my grandmother's birthday.

Grandma was a very special friend to me.

I remember Grandma's nickname, "Cricket"- that's how everyone new her.

I remember when she got on the above motorcycle. She was giggling the whole time. What a true joy!

I remember her hands, so strong yet so tender.

I remember her laugh, her smile and her saying, "I swany!".

I remember how she loved my grandfather and how she commented one day while looking through old photo albums, "When I first met your grandfather, I thought he was the biggest man I had ever seen, and mighty handsome."

I remember when she would buy a new exercise machine for my grandfather yearly- none of them were ever used!

I remember shopping with her for a dress to wear to my wedding- she sat while I decorated her in dresses she would never have picked but ended up loving- because they were for my special day.

I remember how she sounded when she answered my weekly phone calls.

I remember when she stayed in the rehab center and shared a room with a 98 year old lady named "Mike". I remember how the two of them giggled like school girls while talking about how good lookin' their doctor was. "Mike" said, "I may be 98 years old, but I am not too old to be in love!"

I remember how she hugged me.

I remember her saying, "Never take a wooden nickel".

I remember her saying, "It will come out in the wash, but it may not be clean."

I remember her sheepish giggle when she met Coach K at MY college graduation from UNC. She lit up like a Christmas tree when he touched her shoulders and told me she would never wash that shirt again.

I remember how delighted she was to receive a letter from Coach K wishing her well as Alzheimer's disease began to take its toll.

I remember how she looked to me when her memory began to go- she looked to me for reassurance and guidance.

I remember answering the same questions for her over and over, but loving every minute of my precious time with her.

I remember our last visit together before she went into the hospital for surgery and never ended up leaving. We sat on the back deck. We shared lemonade and sprite as we looked over the rolling hills that warm May day. I can still feel the breeze. I can still taste the lemonade. Something told me that day to go. I was busy, I was working a lot, I was consumed in my own life. Something told me to make that day trip. Boy am I glad I did. I still remember her smile as I pulled into the drive way. The wink in her eye as she said without words, "You shouldn't have come but I am sure glad you did." I remember holding her hand, telling her how very much I loved her and how special she was to me. I remember her crossing her legs, sipping her drink and reflecting on days gone by.

I remember the last time I saw her as death was nearing, her victory in this life soon to be won as she went on the be with her Savior. I couldn't stay, I couldn't watch. She wouldn't meet my baby boy. She wouldn't be there for me to call. I wouldn't be able to hear her voice. I couldn't cope.

I knew it would catch up with me. I miss my grandmother. I think losing LD has made me think a lot about my loved ones I have lost. I struggle with the way grief goes in our society. Move on, "they're ok", or "they should be".

I miss you Grandma. I trust that it was your time. I am so thankful to have had the time with you I did. I will look forward to seeing you again one day.

Catching Up

I thought this would be a great title for this post...first I wanted to share our wonderful Labor Day. We went to the North Carolina Mountains and visited my parents at the cabin and Kay, Anna and Brandon at Lake Lure. We stayed about 30 minutes away from each other. On the way there, though, we stopped to see Pa Cole.

We had a great visit with him, as always. He was so delighted to see the boys as always. He was able to witness a little of Landon's boisterous personality. I guess I can't blame him- we left at 9:00am and didn't get to the mountain until 5:00 with two stops on the way. Basically, he was an energy ball, bouncing off every wall in Pa Cole's house. Good thing my dad came with us. He was a huge help in keeping him occupied. Pa Cole also enjoyed catching up with my dad. They talked about music and lots of memories, most of which involved L.D. It was a very good visit.

We also got a pass at the Rumbling Bald Resort pool! Stan and Landon are pictured here under the mushroom splasher. Landon really warmed up to it and had a great time with his daddy.

Landon also bonded with Aunt Moo. Here he is enjoying a moonpie with Anna. These two are so sweet together and Stan and I are so thankful for she and Uncle B! Landon thinks they both hung the moon (or moonpies...:)).

Nanny got some Connor hugs...

And Landon nibbles... (check out those shades)

Mommom got some pool time in the lazy river with Connor, who LOVES the water! Mommom had a great time floating around with this little fella...

Here Connor has gotten a hold of Landon's new Buzz Lightyear...a perfect chew toy! Don't tell Landon!

We sufficiently wore them out.
Even Landon feel asleep in Mommom's arms. She minded not one bit! :)

I even got some Landon snuggles. These don't happen too often anymore. I minded not one bit either. :)

Landon and Connor got to watch Raffie with my mom. Raffie is awesome. He is a children's song writer and singer who has been around since I was a little girl. Here they are both pointing to him and dancing (and singing- if you call it that). My mom was so delighted! Brings back a lot of memories.

Landon got to go on his first boat ride, thanks to John and Karen Thomas. John was L.D.'s best friend and the couple who let Kay, Anna and Brandon stay at their condo on Lake Lure. They were delighted to be able to take us for a boat ride. Landon was great! We road for at least an hour and a half and he sat still the whole time. Stan and I were so proud!

Landon was proud that he found his first wild turkey feather!

Landon wore Pop out.

We really had a great time. Stan, my dad, and Brandon got to go golfing two days in a row. They had a blast. Kay, Anna and I went shopping one day and played with the kids at the pool the other day. My mom was the designated babysitter and was delighted.

It was nice to be able to be in the mountains again. It is so peaceful there. Though we were out and about, there was something healing about that crisp mountain air. I also had a chance to really bond with my mom and get some of my raw emotions out. It was also very healing for me.

Catching up is something I am working on. I feel like I am in a time warp. I think about the fact that it is September and wonder where July and August went! We have been so busy, have spent so much time away from the kids, the house, our life...it has started to take its toll. I have needed to catch up on sleep, laundry, emails, birthdays, phone calls, yardwork, upcoming conference registration, mail responses, etc. Life keeps on moving. We just keep putting one foot in front of the other. God sustains is daily. God teaches us daily.

I have been blessed by some really special friends and family over the past 2 months. I really appreciate it.

My friend, Lucia, took both boys (while being 7 months pregnant with a 2 year old) so I could go by myself to the coffee shop. Thanks Lucia! I read a book about grief, a sad sad book, but- very healing and very interesting how different the circumstances of myself and the author, but how very connected I was to her thought processes. It was a true gift to have that time.

I have received many phone calls, cards, emails, FB messages- all from very supportive friends and family and have really appreciated them all.

I even had a surprise cd and devotional book in my mailbox yesterday from "a friend". The cd is one I have been really wanting-the new one out by Amy Grant. Obviously this person knows me well. Thank you whoever you are. You brightened my day and I am listening to my cd now!

My sister has taken the time to come help, even while taking care of a 7 month old and being sleep deprived herself- and has brought her friend Jenn along- they let me sleep while they watched the boys!!!!! What a gift! Thanks Karen and Jenn!

My sweet babysitter, Kim, adorned my table with beautiful sunflowers, just because they made her think of me! Thanks Kim, they truly did brighten many days!

My loving sister-in-law just took the time to "get me" after witnessing Landon be mean to me. Her eyes said, "I understand". She gave me a big hug and told me it would be ok. She followed it up with an invitation to get a pedicure! Thanks Anna!

My mother-in-law sent me the most wonderfully encouraging email about being a good mom. That was truly a gift as I have been doubting myself a lot lately. Coming from a mother I deeply admire, I am so honored and humbled. Thanks Kay!

My mom and dad have been awesome. Just. plain. awesome. Thanks for all the support and care of the kids. It has been a true gift.

Of course, my loving husband. What would I do without him? Though we live together and it would be easy to just exist together. We have shared wonderful talks, late night movies, he has brought me flowers, watched the kids so I could sleep/have a quiet time/have coffee with a friend.

From my church family, my wonderful support group of mommies in my playgroup, old and new friends, family, coworkers, Landon's daycare, I truly have been blessed in this time of grieving. I never imagined how it would affect me, esp. in the midst of trying to raise a baby and a 3 year old. I appreciate the prayers, the encouragement and the understanding. I need it all.

Just-a-swingin'

I wanted to update with a positive note...I love these boys, and I love watching them discover new things. Connor's first time on the swing was a definite hit and Landon even got on the "big kid" swing for the first time. How precious these two gifts.

Soberly Thoughtful

For this post, I am chosing to use this definition of Melancholy: soberly thoughtful; pensive

Soberly thoughtful describes my thinking lately. Feeling sober and fully aware of the loss in my family has begun to catch up to me. It is not a dream, it is not a thought, it is reality. It is in the midst of that "soberness" where my thoughts are desperately trying to come to completion and simply can't. Whether due to an interruption of noise, another thought, a responsibility, I find myself spinning, trying to hold together lots of loose ends.

These "incomplete cycles" as my dad calls them, are coloring my world right now. There are few quiet moments when I can bathe in God's word. These times are nourshing like nothing else. I want more.

My dear friend tells me to take 5 minutes and trust that God will imprint the words even from those 5 minutes on my heart- trust Him to give me what I need.

Time is pressing on. Things continue to change, lots for the better.

There just doesn't seem to be any space for me right now. I feel selfish. I feel frustrated. I want to sit in quiet and breathe. I want not to have to tend to someone's needs be it for two hours.

I guess my purpose of Blogging about this melancholy feeling is to ask for your prayers.

10 things I love about my Connor-bear.

My sweet Connor turned 10 months old on Monday- so hard to believe. So, I decided to do a list of 10 of the many wonderful things about my baby boy, "Connor-bear".

Connor has a great sense of humor. He is a stitch to get to giggle and is a good sport. His sweet babysitter, Candace, made this mohawk for him and as you can see...he was quite pleased with himself.

Connor is always looking at me so adoringly with the most precious smile. He is a little love bug and is a total mommy's boy. I can make his smile like no other. What a precious gift he is.

Connor gives Landon a run for his money already. Here he was holding his own wrestling with his big brother. Landon makes Connor laugh so hard- the cutest little belly laugh- whenever Landon is around!

He loves his baby cousin Zaiya. Zaiya is not so sure about Connor b/c Connor could practically eat Zaiya! But, Connor is always reaching for Zaiya and I am sure will be a great big cousin to him.

Connor loves to eat. Those of you who know my dear first born understand why I included this. Basically, it needs no further explanation. :)

Connor loves trying new things...

And even lets me take pictures of him smiling while he enjoys such new things!

Connor is very curious. He has actually figured this remote out. He can turn the tv on at 10 months!! I am not sure I should be proud of that!

Connor is always within my arms' reach. He is constantly wanting me to hold him, read him books, walk him around the house while he holds my fingers, sit with him, cuddle him, tickle him...he just amazes me each time I look at him and how he has grown. He is my little love bug.

He is ready to GO! Connor is a couple weeks away from walking, crawls like it is his job, cruises everywhere, opens every drawer and cabinet in the kitchen, climbs the stairs, climbs Landon's little picnic table, and loves every minute of it. He is well on his way to toddlerhood and I cannot believe it. What happened to my little baby boy? Happy 10 months my precious Connor. I cannot imagine my life with out you. I love you to the moon and back and am so grateful God has blessed me with the gift of your life and the privilege to be your mommy.

So, here we are.

This past weekend, we spent some time at Stan's parents' house. It was a "good first" without L.D. - hard, but good. L.D. always would talk about fishing the pond with the kids and so we decided that was definitely the order for the day. Wilson was a bit troublesome in making our quest to actually catch fish a reality. He was jumping at the water and splashing around- just like a puppy should be doing.

Nanny's little buddy sure did brighten her day. They were buds at the pond, in the golf cart and in the new sandbox!

Landon has started talking more about Pappa to us. In fact, last Monday before nap time, he asked me a lot of questions, like, "Mommy, does Pappa have new legs?", "Did God give Pappa wings?" "I want Pappa to be here with us, why does he have to be in heaven?" He also told me that he missed Pappa and that he didn't like Jesus. I think of this from a 3 year olds perspective- why would he like Jesus, his Pappa is with Jesus and not with us- very concrete. We talked a lot about God and Jesus and about Pappa being so happy. We talked about seeing Pappa again when we go to heaven. He then wanted to know if Raffie would come to heaven too. :) At the end of our conversation he said, "Mommy, I do love God, just a little bit- not a lot because I can't see him, but I do love him a little bit." Please pray for me as I parent Landon and teach him about God and the love God has for Landon. It is humbling to think that God has chosen me to be a parent and to teach this precious child about him.

Kay taught Connor her tissue box trick. He enjoyed it for a time but is a boy on the move. Landon used to sit for a long time and just pull tissues out of the box, one after another- a huge mess- but so much fun for him. Connor pulled out a few with Kay's prompting, but was quickly grabbing her fingers for her to walk with him or to push the new toy that Nanny got him pictured above. He is a ball of energy and ready to walk. I cannot believe it. He has already taken a few steps. So different as Landon was not even crawling at this stage in the game!

Landon bonded with Moo moo and Uncle B. I think his imaginary pet horse, Bullseye, was sitting right between he and Moo. Bullseye just appeared last week and has been a great addition to our family. He minds mommy and eats all of his food. He goes to school with Landon and is kind to Landon's friends. Sometimes he runs ahead of Landon and we have to call him back or go find him, but he has not yet had to have a time out. I think we will keep him around a while. :)

Landon and Anna are so cute with their bond over their stuffed "lovies" and the need to snuggle their "friends". Landon was asking for Raffie at this point so he could snuggle him tight and Anna got the biggest kick out of his words since she was the same way as a child.

Here Connor was just amazed by Wilson. These two stood looking at each other, Connor talking and Wilson enjoying every minute of the attention. Connor loves dogs already. I can tell he is going to be the one asking for a puppy in a few years. :)

Another pond shot- I love this one.

So, here we are. We are doing ok. There are days when I just cannot believe L.D. is gone, like he just called last night. There are days that it feels like it has been a year since we sat with him in his final hours here on earth. I am learning about grief. But I have a lot to learn. I am learning about this new normal and about all of the new things that come along with it. I am learning what is eternal and what is just not important. I am learning a lot about prayer and about taking myself and my own selfish desires out of it. I am learning the value of true friends, who genuinely walk with us through the storms. I am learning about generous hearts willing to give time, even people who barely know me, to extend their care and concern. I am learning that there are some pretty wonderful people on this earth. I am learning to love more and to pray more. I am learning that God's will for my life is the absolute best for me. I am learning to trust more and doubt less.

I am treasuring even more the time I have with my children. Watching Landon grow up and tell me he "loves me so much" and watching Connor sleep in my arms are evidences of my time well spent. May God guide my every step, my every thought and may my life be a reflection of his love to all those around me.

Moving Forward

Well, its been over two weeks now since my father-in-law passed away. We are all still searching, still hopeful for that "new normal" that people talk about to become a reality for us. Many thoughts continue to race through my mind as I reflect on the past month and the acceptance I have to come to grips with of L.D. being gone from this earth.

God continues to be so present. This is the only way I can describe it. Stan and I were having a conversation Saturday night about prayer and how the death of L.D. has made us think about our role in prayer and exactly what it means to pray. We also talked about Psalm 139 and how God knows us even before we are born, before we are conceived, he loves us and knows all the days of our lives. On Sunday morning, our Pastor talked about prayer, and you guessed it- mentioned Psalm 139. God is so awesome in his presence and in his way of meeting us exactly where we are. I continue to be in awe.

Tonight we read "The Dragon Fly Door" with Landon. If you have ever needed a book about grief and losing a loved one for a young child, I highly recommend this book. The book is about two nymphs who are the best of friends. One nymph dies and becomes a dragon fly. The story talks about death in a way that a child can see death as being beautiful. The dragon fly tells the one she left behind that she will see her again when she dies. The nymph who is left behind is sad, but looks forward to the day she will see her friend again. I was touched while we read it and Landon wanted to share it with Stan too. He told me at the end of the book, "I don't want Pappa to be a dragon fly." If we ever doubt children's ability to understand death, dying and grief- we shouldn't. Landon is aware, and much more so than I thought.

He has also started stuttering in the past month. I know that this too shall pass. It is just so amazing to me how kids pick up on things no matter how much you try to shelter them. Stan and I are really trying not to be away from the boys much this month as they try to adjust back with us to a "new normal".

I titled this post "Moving Forward" because I have been giving a lot of thought to having to get back into life after loosing my father-in-law. It feels almost disrespectful to live life, to act as though things are normal, to enjoy life. I know that we have to move forward, we have to live this life to the fullest- after all, that is what L.D. taught us. I also want to consider it moving forward, not "moving on". When I think of the phrase "moving on", I think about getting past something and forgetting it. I don't want to forget L.D. or all that he meant to me and my family. I want to treasure those memories, to remember all that I can, to keep the stories alive for my boys. I want to move forward because I have the work of the Lord to do. He has me here for a reason and I want to live to make that reason count. I want to live a life reflective of his glory.

The following pictures are our move forward...

Us at Rebecca's (my first cousin) wedding. During the wedding, there was a prayer offered for the family of L.D. Cole- how special. How very dear of my sweet cousin.

Kay actually went with us. We were so delighted to have her spending time with the boys. Here she is playing "Horsie" with both boys, saying giddy up, giddy up and "bucking" them off. Both boys loved it! Kay is an amazing Nanny. She loves these boys so much and it shows in every fiber of her being. We are so very blessed to have her and love her more than words can begin to express.

This is my growing 3 year old. Landon is getting so big. He is growing out of his clothes and shoes, he is even saying he is a "big kid" now and is able to carry on conversations with the adults- what happened to my baby?

Here Landon is pretending to be Buzz Lightyear. He has homemade wings from my mom. My parents were amazing during the past two weeks. I called them and asked them to come and take care of the kids. The next morning, bright and early, they showed up and have been our rocks throughout this unthinkable time in our lives. I am so thankful to have their support and to know that through all of the tough stuff we had to go through, they were there taking care of our boys, loving them and giving them security that they needed.

This is Landon eating a moonpie. When I asked him what he was doing, he replied, "Just eatin' and moonpie and thinkin' about Pappa." Landon and L.D. shared many a moonpie together. L.D. always knew I didn't like Landon to have too many sweets and would slyishly give me a grin and ask if he could offer Landon a moonpie if he finished his lunch. How could I say no? :)

Here's to moving forward. Here's to living life in a way that would make L.D. proud. Here's to keeping his memory alive. Here's to continuing to reach out and ask you all for your continued prayers.