Rainy Day

Usually I try to be very positive when posting as not to complain about my life, of which I recognize, is very blessed. I esp. realize how blessed I am when I consider those whose children are ill, who cannot have children or who are for some reason, separated from their children. So, please forgive me for using this BLOG as an outlet today. I understand if you don't want to read further. :)

So, sleep training Landon has been going well until today. He has screamed probably 3 times out of the last 8 nights, which is such an improvement. He has taken every nap until today. Currently he is screaming and slamming his drawers in and out. I am not sure what else because I cannot see him in the video camera we have in his room- he is out of range of it. This morning we had a playdate and he had time out 3 times, hit me, scratched me and was just not himself. Sometimes it seems he is possessed. Well, he just woke up Connor so I have to go. Sorry for the negative update, but this is me, raw, raising a 3 year old, sleepy and trying to balance working too.

Well, Connor went back to sleep after I gave him his paci. He is such a sweet baby but has been waking up very frequently over the past two nights. He screams and I go feed him for fear he will wake Landon. I guess he is only 4 months old and has some time to grow out of this. I am thankful he is such a sweet baby. He is definitely chill...as he needs to be with Landon being so high strung.

Sometimes I just wonder what I have done wrong. Then I talk to my friends of 3 year olds and realize it is just a stage. I could cry a river right now. I want to do the best thing by him. Stan and I have been giving him a lot of individual attention and using positive rewards, trying to help him with what I know has been a very hard transition in having a sibling.

Sometimes, it is just plain hard. God does not ever desert us though and is holding my hand even right now. He sustains me and is bringing me through the book of Ruth right now with my bible study. He has placed amazing women and mentors in my life to help me parent Landon and Connor in the best way possible, being the woman and mom of God that he has called me to be.

Stan and I are doing well, esp. considering the lack of sleep we are both enduring. He is a wonderful dad to both boys and has been so helpful with cooking meals and taking care of the boys so I can get out for some much needed breaks and me time. I do miss the romance, though. I often feel like if we are going to have a date, I have to do all the planning. I want him to hold my hand, to take me to a movie, to sit and talk with me under the stars. I know these days will come again, but I really do miss him. He is my best friend and a wonderful husband. I only wish I got to spend more time with him.

It's hard dividing my time between my family and my work. Work is something I love but it is certainly an emotional and physical drain when I am so tired. It seems that naps are hard to come by for one reason or another. I know last Friday I worked out, cleaned our floors, cleaned our bathroom and took a shower while they napped. At least I got to work out, but realistically, I can only do it once a week. I miss that too.

For all that I have given up, I have gained the most wonderful thing in the world, a second child. I would not trade Connor for anything and the way he has impacted Landon, though difficult on all of us, is truly the best thing we could have done for Landon. I know that having a sibling will make Landon a more well rounded person and also less entitled. I want to raise my boys to serve God, be humble, loving, responsible, well adjusted adults who know without a doubt not only how much their heavenly father loves them, but how very much their mom and dad love them.

I want them to both be able to sense our love at every stage of development, to call us now matter how old they are and to know that we would drop anything for them. I want out love to model Christ's love and in writing I recognize that that love is very sacrificial. I want to sacrifice my time, my own desires, my longing for a date night, etc., for my children. I want them to always know that whatever Stan and I do, we do out of love for them. I am grateful beyond words to have Landon and Connor and want them to always know that they are Stan and I's treasures, never to compare to anything else.

Thanks for letting me vent. I appreciate your prayers and your friendship and for accepting me on good days and those which are challenging. I also appreciate my little angel who called just as I was finishing this post. YOU are what I want to be to my children.