Just in time

I try to be very upbeat and positive in all of my writings because, after all, I am a daughter of the King, I am loved every day by Jesus, which is absolutely enough, more than enough.  In this dark world, I chose joy.  I chose to trust and to share my experience in growing in my faith with you all. Writing about those truths has a bent towards gratitude because...I just can't start writing about the Lord without being thankful.

I am usually at work on Wednesdays, but this morning I am in front of my BLOG. I am drinking a cup of coffee and I am letting my tears fall, one at a time, as I relive the past week and even year in my mind.  I do have another post to finish.  It is one full of the JOY we experienced as Connor turned 5 this past Thursday.  That one will be finished today too...but first, here is the flip side of what I have dealt with in the past week.

When you work in Healthcare, you know that people do die.  This is another truth. While it is a hard truth, it is that, a truth.  You also know that, as a Christian in Healthcare, you do have to be careful as not to offend...or speak out of professionalism about your faith.

God has always been very present in this respect to me.  I have felt let to pray for my patients in exam rooms, I have felt led to share my faith and have held back when it did not feel Spirit-led.  I have had God use patients on multiple occasions to bless me and affirm my calling in this career as I try desperately to balance life as a mom of three as well.  I have grown a tremendous amount (and still need and desire to grow more) as I have struggled as a "Mid-level provider" inherently not commanding the respect of one differently trained yet higher on the medical "food chain".  I have also been blessed to have been a part of several families' journey with a very ill child who has passed from this life to the next.  This past Sunday, though, was the first time that I attended and spoke at one of MY patient's funerals.  She died in her parents' arms at home on my Connor's birthday.  After I heard this news, Connor and I set off to the fair as planned. Hard.

Since her death, I have been celebrating the life of my child.  God plans all things and this is my unwavering belief.  The strength that carried me through- through answering the phone when my dear patient's mother called to ask if I would speak at the funeral of her only daughter while in the car on the way to Tweetsie Railroad with my family and being present in both places- came from the Lord.

Her mother asked that I speak on her behalf as she did not feel she could speak.  I did not hesitate to agree to do this.  I only asked that she pray for me, that I would get through it.

I then engaged again in the car with my three. healthy. kids.  Overwhelming.

I knew that my time to write such a speech would be very limited so I began jotting down things that came to my mind.  I just had to pray that God would be my strength and my guide.  And he was.

I couldn't cry.  I had to be strong for my Connor.  It was his birthday, the day my patient died.  He needed his mama to smile, to laugh and to enjoy him.  He needed to get Cotton Candy and to ride the kiddie rides and to be celebrated.

He was.  He held my hand, he sat in my lap, he looked at me with wonder in his sparkling eyes. He knew it was a special day and that his mama was there to spend time with just him.  Celebrating him.

When I took this picture, I just paused and reflected, my heart overwhelmed with emotion and pure raw gratitude for this precious life.  Does it get any more beautiful that this?

One of the passages I shared at my patient's funeral was about Corrie Ten Boom.  Corrie was a famous protector of persecuted Jews who survived life in Nazi concentration camps where her father and sister died.  As her father died, she burst into tears and exclaimed, “I need you! You can’t die! You can’t!” “Corrie”, he began gently, “When you and I go to Amsterdam, when do I give you your train ticket?” “Why, just before we get on the train.” “Exactly. And our wise Father in heaven knows when we’re going to need things too.  Don’t run ahead of him, Corrie. When the time comes that some of us have to die, you will look into your heart and find the strength you need – just in time.” 

Throughout this past week, God gave me the strength I needed, just in time.  He did not give it a moment too soon or too late.  He carried me through the ups of celebrating Connor and the downs of dealing with a difficult struggle with Landon at school and the death of my 3 year old little patient. He continues to teach me every single day about trust and this past week was no exception.  He is crafting me more and more to become the person he created me to be.

I also referenced my life being a tapestry in my last BLOG post.  I received an encouraging email from a dear sweet friend with the following poem that I also shared at my patient's funeral.  I felt it fitting to describe her life, my life and all of us who try so hard to make sense out of life's challenges on this earth.

My life is just a weaving
Between my Lord and me.
I cannot choose the colors
He weaves so skillfully.

Sometimes He weaveth sorrow
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the underside.

Not ‘til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And explain the reasons why-


The dark threads are as needful,
In The Weaver’s skillful hands
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

I am home today, after encouragement and support from my colleagues to take a breather.  Dealing with the death of a patient is really heartbreaking.  It was especially so, in this case.  I had grown to love this little girl and her mother.  They really had become like family to me.

I am so grateful for this day, to really be able to grieve.  We all need to do that, to take space and to confront these hard emotions.  It is in doing this at "just the right time" that will continue to enable me to have an open Spirit, an open heart and an open invitation to let others in...lest there be heartbreak ahead, and there will be.  But, I rest in the assurance that just as God gave me strength to be in two opposite emotional places this past week, he will continue to give me just what I need exactly when I need it.  One day at a time is so hard, but so good.

Please pray for my patient's parents, esp. her mother.

My Beautiful Mess (Title Credit to Janise!)

You see this beautiful mess?  It is my kitchen in the midst of life.  Life with three beautiful children, a loving husband, wonderful friends and extended family and a very special and often draining career.

Lately, my career has been especially difficult.  Finding the life/balance has been nothing short of exhausting as I am facing the hard task of helping a patient of mine die.  This is not something we are accustomed to doing in pediatrics, especially since 6 of my 9 years of practicing as an NP have been in the primary care setting.  Now I work with the UNC feeding team in Pediatric GI, so being at a tertiary care center, in the specialty clinic, makes this type of scenario a bit more of a possibility. But, still, not something you can ever anticipate.  My little patient is only 3 years old.  I have taken care of her for 2 of those years.  I have grown very close to both she and her mother.  I know just how to calm her down when she is experiencing stress.  She doesn't talk and cannot tell us what is causing her stress.  But, I know that if I sing, "You are my sunshine" she will lay still and almost even smile.

I also know how to help her mother when she is experiencing stress.  She has an amazing sense of humor and an inspiring faith in God.  We joke, we cry, we talk about Jesus's own suffering as his Father watched.  Did I mention we cry?

Finding the strength to balance such a role along with trying my very best to be a present and loving mother to my three precious children and amazing husband has forced me once again to see my need to trust the Lord.

There have been so many times when I have questioned working part time.  My job doesn't stop.  I can't tell this patient's mother that I got off work at 5 (which never happens anyway!).  There have been times I have had to take a call while playing kickball with my children.  I question whether what I am doing is the right thing.

As a mom who is at home part time and works part time, I get stress from both worlds I exist in.  "Why don't you quit your job and stay home full-time, then you would not have to divide your emotions or time?" AND "Do you ever plan to work full-time and add more clinic days, we could use your help?"

Stan and I have prayed and prayed over this question.  My dear friends have prayed over this question on my behalf.  We have all come to the very same conclusion that God has called me to this profession and to mothering and that he has me right where he wants me.  I just have to trust him, not relying on myself, which is when I start to feel off balance.

You see, in the midst of dealing with adjusting narcotics and other controlled medications for my dying little patient, I have received numerous communications from Landon's school.  He is struggling in 2nd grade.  His teacher is tough.  His confidence is suffering as his school assignments bleed red all over.  His teacher does care, but is a tough cookie to crack.  His principal does care and I took the time to meet with her one morning before heading into work to see my little sweet patient, talking with the palliative care team on the way back to the hospital from his school.  His school struggles are not unique, but they are to Stan and I.  Neither one of us had such struggles, but let's just all agree that elementary school now is a little like middle school way back then!!!!!!!!!!

I found myself retreating into myself, as I often do when very stressed.  I asked my dear dear friend, Janise, to hold me accountable for this pattern and she did (WOW, that's a true friend!).  She called me out on my lack of communication and prayed for me right then and there.  Then, another friend called and I answered (something I don't usually do when very stressed but did because of the aforementioned prayer) and she wanted to pray for me too.   Just earlier that same day, another friend came to my house, helped me with Lindsay so I could get my work done and brought me dinner so that I didn't have to worry about it.  She also let me cry and cry.

You know what, God is in the midst of all of this stuff.  He wants me to rely on him and I fight that all the time.  I get in the midst of my multi-tasking self and have it all under control.  Then, I don't. Then, I again realize that I have not been called to all of these roles to complete by myself.  Actually, were it in my hands, I would certainly fail.  Thank goodness I am surrounding by such an amazing cloud of witnesses to hold me up when I am down and remind me that God has me here for a reason.

Stan and I got out on a date on Friday night with some dear friends of ours who we dance with.  Not only do we dance with them, we learn from them and with them in the parenting journey.  We also worship with them and lead our Sunday School Class together.  The words spoken at dinner that night, "You are doing the Lord's work" were yet another confirmation that God is in this.

He is in the midst of my beautiful mess.  What looks like a mess to me is a beautiful masterpiece in his eyes.  I think of a quilt with the underside a mess of knots and frays...while on the front, a beautiful display of colors and patterns delights each eye that passes by, causing those eyes to smile in wonder and marvel at the beauty of such a creation.

Now, on to that beauty...that the beautiful mess of my kitchen allowed me to create.

Oreo cookie spiders!  What fun!

This one was a bit challenged with only six legs.  Landon made sure he pointed this out and informed me that this was not, in fact, a spider.

But, as you can see, he let it go and still managed to have fun!  And, of note, all of his spiders had 8 legs...  Is he a first born or what?

Love this one!

Tada!!!  Halloween craft number one complete!

Now, on to Fruit Loop trees...this guy said, Mommy, I don't want to glue them down because that will waste the Fruit Loops!  Can you tell these kids don't get Fruit Loops very often!  hahaha!

Not letting that one go to waste!

We shared with our friends at playgroup.  I provided a small bowl and told them to make sure to eat some and to put some on their trees.  :)

Love that little face.  Lindsay Jane is quite interested in little crafts like this.

Happy kiddos!

Next craft, stain glassed tissue paper leaf cut outs.

Very artistic little crew!

And, the finishing touches.  Connor is my little artist.  He loved this craft and I loved doing it with him...SO much!

Next craft...messy craft!  Shaving cream and paint leaves!

Happy Camper!

Sophia loved getting her hands all messy!

But not as much as Emelia did!

We dipped the leaves in the shaving cream and set them out to dry.

Yay!!!!  What fun being messy and being a kid!

That night, we had a shower for our dear friend, Lauren, who is having her 4th little one.  In our little mommy group there are 7 moms and 19 kids!

Our fabulous hostess.

Lucia, cake making extraordinaire!

Ryan took the picture and Stacey was out of town.  But here are the rest of us!

Lauren, cutting baby number 4's cake!

And, opening her sweet baby gifts.  What a blessing children are!  Every one of them!

Next fall event: Hot chocolate drinking!

I am pretty sure that Lindsay Jane likes this Cole Family tradition!

Time to make sugar cookies!

And a little playing "Nurse Practitioner" while they sat in the fridge to harden...

My little sous baker...

What a joy it is to be in these moments with my kids.  If this right here isn't a perfect concluding picture of a post titled, "My Beautiful Mess", I don't know what would be.