Catch Up (Mother's Day, Tuesdays with my Littles and Baseball!)

Happy Belated Mother's Day!  We celebrated by having my parents and Kay join us for one of Landon's baseball games.  What a great start to Mother's Day weekend!  Landon is quite a little ball player, taking after my dad, his "Pop".  Seeing my dad watching him brought back so many wonderful memories when dad was also "coach".

Next stop...Connor's dance studio!  He was none too pleased with me taking pictures this day but I managed to get this one which had less of a scowl.  Connor has been really enjoying ballroom dancing and his grandparents were so proud to watch him.  He really does dance with such intensity. He is focused and does a great job.  I really love to watch him dance.  Again, a great start to a Mother's Day weekend.

These two joined in the fun, watching their big brother play ball.   It is quite a juggling act between the bleachers (total safety hazard but oh so much fun), the constant requests for snack, the multiple trips to the van for the toddler potty (which I said I would never do....) and dear old mom trying desperately to get at least a peak at Landon playing.  :)  I guess that is what it is all about, huh?  ;)

Love this one.

Not too too many years ago, that was me on my dad's shoulders.  :)

She loved every minute.  So did Pop.

Number 18 does it again...guess who else had that number in High School? Yep, this mama.  :)
 

It sure was nice to have the extra hands for Connor and Lindsay Jane on Mother's Day weekend!

Landon has an outstanding coach.  We have been so pleased with the South Durham Little League. in general. Landon has been so encouraged and built up as a new baseball player.  His coach has really focused on his strengths and built up the things that needed improvement.  He is also just really present with the kids.  Having another adult build Landon up has meant the world to Stan and I this year especially.

Landon even shares his after the game snacks with his little bro...

These two.  Best of friends/worst of enemies.  Normal, right?

And then, after heading home from baseball and dance, I had a little mother's day brunch for my mom, Kay, my sister and I.  We had Rose' wine, bruschetta, Rotisserie chicken and roasted brussel sprouts.  Yum.  We also topped it off with German chocolate cake and then the sweetest dessert of all...my dad got all three of us tickets to see James Taylor!!!!   Who-hooooo!

Then, my parents gave Stan and I a wonderful gift.  They kept the kids for us to be able to go away for the night.  We went downtown Raleigh, actually.  We got to our hotel room at 5:00 and I had one glass of wine, laid down and took myself a nap.  :)  It was so nice.  Then, we walked to a Sushi restaurant, ate a relaxing dinner without interrupted conversation and had time to find a coffee shop for more conversation.  It was a beautiful night and it was so so nice to be with the one who is sharing in this journey of parenting with me...and what a journey this year has been.  I could totally write a whole book about this past year as a parent.  But, then again, couldn't we all?

And, my wish for Mother's Day...you got it.  Breakfast in bed.  Room service.  Check.  Awesome!

We got home after going on a quick little trip to the mall and enjoyed a wonderful relaxing evening with the kids.  We had movie night and breakfast for dinner and everyone was happy, especially mama.  :)

I don't usually BLOG too much about the two little rascals, Midnight and Shadow.  As you can see, there is a little boy who is very much in love with said two rascals.  :)  Connor loves his kitties. Midnight sleeps with him every night and puts up with all of the "hide outs" that Connor makes for her and forces her into.  She is the calmest and nicest cat ever.  And, Shadow, also a terrific cat, puts up with LJ picking him up and carrying him like a baby.  It is hard to believe that these two cats came into our lives immediately following the world's meanest cat.  We sure do love these kitties and they are definitely a part of the Cole family, included every night in evening prayers. :)

Fun at the park with my big boy!  It is so hard for me to believe he will be starting Kindergarten in the fall.  I am honestly not ready, but he really is.  I do fear that he will have trouble with the separation from mama, but I know he will be ok.  I love this little nugget and don't mind at all that he has definitely chosen his college allegiance...

Tire swing fun!

They called this the rocket ship...it kinda freaked me out.  Look how high miss LJ is!!!

You think she is proud to be up on that rock?

My little princess.  How I love her determined little spirit.

And, one last climb...we had a blast, on a regular Tuesday morning, in a little town called Durham at one of our many lovely area parks.  We love our little town.

And...it is quite convenient to my favorite place on earth...

I got a weekend away with these two kindred spirits...Heather and I went to meet Crystal's new baby, Emmett.  What a treat it was to be with two of my very favorite people at my very favorite place.  It was food for my soul. 

 Heather loving on Emmett...

Me and Eli counting waves, in Spanish...what do you expect, his mom is like the smartest person I know!!!!

Lots of time was spent talking, rocking, eating Trampas (Crystal's husband)'s yummy meals, sharing life together.

And, another regular Tuesday at home...Connor built a castle with a dock and an alligator.

And told me I had to take a picture.  :)

LJ loves to paint.

Silly Connorbug!

And, more baseball.  This was the game where this little catcher hit his first home run!!! Kay, Ross and Landon's whole family were there to cheer the little fella on!  It was so great!

This is one of the only shots I got of Landon, but it tells a lot.  This is Connor, going over to tell Landon what a good job he did at hitting that home run.  Precious.

Sibling fun at baseball games.  Also brings back so many memories!

And, Ross!  Stan's first cousin, Ross, came to the game.  It was so much fun to have him be able to be a part of our family rhythm.  Stan's family has always meant the world to him, so seeing him be able to share this sweet time with Ross touched my heart.

And, that's it for now.  The two little ones are calling me to take them outside.  There might be water involved today!  Welcome spring for real!

Home

It was so special to bring these two little loves to my Alma Mater on Tuesday.  The weather and company were perfect.  Treasuring my time at home with these babies brings me amazing joy and peace.  Just stepping foot on UNC's campus sends a rush of wonderful memories that always make for a good overall state of mind.  What a gift to live so close!

Another pose for mama.

I love these types of shots.  Look at the beauty in this picture, so much of it!  God's creations are amazing!

This little one brings such joy to my heart.  Her smile infectious, her spirit gentle and kind, her life an amazing witness to the promises of God's perfect timing and plan.  I could just eat her up.

My two littles looking at the leaves on this beautiful tree.  I love when they can take time away to just explore our beautiful nature.

And, Connor.  My sweet little heart.  He was gathering flowers, as is his usual.  He stops to smell the roses, he pauses amidst the chaos, he is my breath of fresh air.

And, guess who he brought those flowers to???  His mama.  Connor is as sweet as the day is long. His heart for others makes a mama proud.  He loves intensely, holding those dearest to him very close.  He cannot express his love enough and I will never grow tired of hearing his sweet little voice utter those three words.  He is my big hug from God on a daily basis.

The iconic Carolina symbol...

Starting early!

I love this picture.  My little ones, chilling at the place I called home for 4 years of my life.  It is really special being able to watch them look around, seeing with their eyes the very things that were a part of an imprinting on my heart that made me who I am today.

My favorite picture of the day.  I could not love this picture any more...that is, unless my other little boy was in it, also wearing a Carolina shirt...but alas, he has aligned himself with that school with the wolf mascot that my husband calls home...

 Traditional trip to Shrunken Head!

They could not stop shaking their pompoms long enough to pose for a picture!

 I really tried to get one from inside the store!!!  It was almost ice cream time, though, and their patience was wearing thin.

Come on MOMMMMM.  It's ice cream time!

Finally, we made it to Sweet Frog.

 And, LJ danced in the window, shouting "Go Tarheels" the whole time!

Strolling down Franklin...

And, that's a wrap.  What a beautiful day, what beautiful memories.  No better time to go that the week called "Nurse's Week" to remember where my passion for nursing began and was nurtured.  No better time to go than the week of graduation, seeing all of the students soon to be graduating, getting their pictures taken in caps and gowns at the old well.  No better time to go than the week of Mother's Day - with two of my three littles who made me a mom, something I dreamed about while walking along this same path over 15 years ago.  Something about Carolina will always help me to re-center. Something about Carolina will always be home.

Coloring inside the lines

This is it.  This sweet picture of motherhood and childhood intersecting.  The peace, tranquility, the joy.  The beauty of the sunshine radiating down on the lush green grass, bright blue lake water and clear path ahead.  The kids, dressed in their favorites, green rain boots that don't match the outfit or the weather.  Star Wars jacket with Ninja turtle shoes.  Brother and sister holding hands.  Shadows extending to the right, shadows of a moment, a step in time, there and then gone to the next destination.

What if I told you that I posed this picture.  "Connor, hold Lindsay Jane's hand and walk ahead.  I want to take a picture."  Like a good little fellow, he obeyed, obliged his mama's whim.  Her whim for a picture of what it "should" be like.  This life as a mother, a giver of life, a guarder of souls, a refuge for the weakest in society.

After all, I have always been one to "color inside the lines".  I was a good kid.  Really didn't give my parents much grief, except for that one 14 year old birthday party...  I made good grades, stayed away from drugs, hung with the "good crowd".  I was involved in youth group throughout highschool, I sung in the church choir.  I got in to Carolina, then the nursing school there, then graduate school there, after marrying a really fine man, a good choice in every measure.  I finished my graduate degree, got a job as a nurse practitioner, a noble profession, indeed...especially considering my specialty was pediatrics.

I had three babies, one after another, it may seem to the outside observer, though there were many many months of trying in those span of three years between each of my pregnancies.  But, nonetheless, I had three healthy babies, took maternity leave, breastfed those babies and made the decision to stay home part time.

Though there have been rough spots along the way, most notably losing my father-in-law very early in our married life, Stan and I have a really strong marriage based on an even stronger faith in God. We take our kids to church, we were able to buy a really nice home with even better neighbors, we go on vacation with our kids, we have great relationships with our parents, we take time to dance together, we support each other's vocational goals.

Why. Why would I need to pose that picture?  Why wouldn't I just live in the moment of this?

Big brother putting something in little sister's hair, little sister screaming, big brother smiling...

Or this, looking into the sun happy as can be smelling the Iris's in a stranger's yard.

Or this, the monkey climbing on the structure never looking at the camera but asking me to take a picture over and over again.

Or this, my little creative soul.  Picking buttercups.  Picking weeds, running off course, outside the lines, outside the path...

For someone who has always "done everything right", the practice of overcompensation can happen in motherhood.  Overcompensation is the excessive reaction to a feeling of inferiority, guilt or inadequacy leading to an exaggerated attempt to overcome the feeling.

Am I doing everything I can for my kids?  Am I patient enough?  Am I home enough?  Am I setting a good enough balance of work/life?  Am I modeling a good marriage?  Am I feeding them the best foods?  Am I teaching them the importance of exercise?  Am I limiting TV enough?  Am I reading to the enough?  Am I teaching them about God enough?  Am I washing them enough? Am I giving them enough chores?  Am I giving them enough grace?  Am I disciplining them enough?  Am I affirming them enough?  Am I playing with them enough?  Am I...enough?

No. I. am not.  "It is the mother who cannot be there to meet every need and resolve every crisis in her child's life.  Yes, the mother is highly influential; but let us respectfully and reverently recognize our capalilities and limitations."  This is a quote by Karol Ladd, who if you have ever noticed, is the same person I quoted on the title of my BLOG, "I will view my role in motherhood as a highly significant investment of my time and energy."  It come from a book that I am now reading for the third time, "The Power of a Positive Mom."

You see....she speaks right to me.  I am not enough.  I will never be enough.  God is who is enough. Trying to be perfect, coloring in all the lines and keeping it all together is something that I cannot do on my own strength.  I am not the sole influence in my children's lives...  and who do I want that to include?

I want it to start with God.  I want it to include our church family, our extended family, our friends, our neighbors, our educators, our community.  I want my kids to be able to chose those influences wisely and that is something I can model.

But, I have to let go of control.  A constant thorn in my side...a foothold of that mean old devil.

I want to pose the pictures, paint the portrait of a good ole American family who has it all together.  I don't want to expose the parts of my life that our outside those lines.  But, when I do, I grow.  I grow in myself and in my community.  Those really hard strayings outside those lines are what builds character and makes my portrait all the more beautiful to God.

You don't want to hear about my struggles as a mom with a very spirited first born, one who is unique and gifted and loved in so many ways, but has challenged my every view of mothering to its core. You don't want to hear about how I raise my voice more times than I like to admit at my little gems. You don't want to hear that being a nurse practitioner sucks the life out of me in many more ways than one.  You don't want to hear that I don't always greet Stan with a loving tone of voice.  You don't want to hear that being 37 has been a really hard year for me as I am learning that the older my kids get, the older I get and I don't know what to do with myself.

Or, maybe you do want to hear that.  Maybe we aren't authentic enough in this Facebook world. Maybe?  I think definitely.

Facebook or not, this picture was posed.  Maybe not for all bad reasons...but it made me pause and think about perceptions, about coloring inside the lines and about all of the things I try to be at one time.

Today, I am grateful for the fact that I do not have to be perfect.  Since I am not, that is a darn good thing.  I am also grateful that I have the love of family and friends who have held my hand along life's journeys and they will continue to.  Most of all, I am grateful, that at the end of any day, I can look at Scripture and find this:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness."  2 Cor 12:9, words spoken by Jesus regarding Paul's "thorn in his flesh" which Paul then went on to respond, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."

My nature is and always has been to color inside the lines.  I think that is actually a weakness if it causes you to need to control.  I am going to try to let God do the guiding- inside or out of what I consider to be the lines.

Is this a start?