I didn't get a BLOG post up on Mother's Day this year. I didn't even get a Facebook status up, thanking all of the moms out there or showing off a picture of the three precious gifts who make me a mom.
It was a hard day. There is is, raw.
I had in my head that I would just let Stan and the kids plan the day and that all I wanted was a nap. That would be my gift on Mother's Day.
The day started early. About 5:45. My quiet time got squished out by three little ones surrounding me with cuddles, hugs, needs, demands, arguing, screaming, disobeying, spilling, being children... Stan made me breakfast, one of the many things I love about that man. We headed to church. Late. I didn't even get a shower. And we still arrived late. Very late.
Church was hard. Sermon was great. Lots of sadness in my church family. A dear couple lost a baby girl at 3 days old. The funeral was Saturday. The flowers sprayed our alter at church on Sunday. A mentor in my faith is dying of cancer. Cancer that came quickly and all of a sudden, it is time for Hospice care.
My thoughts could not stop. I told Stan that I was experiencing sympathy in an unhealthy way. Fear took over my being. My thoughts were relentless.
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34.
I took that nap. It didn't help.
I scooped up that baby girl and lovingly fed her. My thoughts just raced. What ifs...plastered my mind.
I went outside, I prayed, I tried to get myself out of it. It was Mother's Day after all!!!
I watched Stan help our Landon ride his bike without his training wheels, Connor following so quickly in Landon's steps, thinking, It won't be long until Connor is also riding without training wheels! My babies are growing up!
Instead of waiting for Stan to cook dinner, I decided to let that go and order pizza for the family. Less stress is what I was aiming at. I wanted to get rid of expectations and just enjoy my family and gather together for my requested movie, Cinderella.
I forgot to push "complete order". 7:15 rolled around and we wondered- no pizza. Mom dropped the ball. Hungry family. Frazzled mommy. Thoughts racing, fear creeping in, raised my voice at my loving husband. I am not perfect. "Look at everything I have to do before tomorrow, all because I took a nap!!!"
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God,
and take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5
I realized that I had been allowing fear to control me. Fear that I would lose my children. Fear of illness. Fear of losing loved ones. Fear was controlling me and especially my thoughts as visions of sadness reeled through my mind.
A great friend and mentor led me to the above verse earlier last week and I have been clinging to it. I have often thought about my words and actions and striving for those to be obedient to Christ....but my thoughts? How hard is that?
I started praying that God would take captive my thoughts! I started praying instead of letting that fear control me, which I realized in essence was Satan himself.
I finally made that post up yesterday on Facebook.
"Do you ever wonder if anyone else could possibly love their children as much as you love yours? That's how I feel this morning."
It is the hardest job I have ever loved, being a mom. There are many things that make it hard as I spend a lot of time disciplining, refereeing, guiding, stopping to breathe before I blow my top... Hard as I watch them grow up...my loving little precious babies who coo at me turning into toddlers who defy me, three year olds who use words to unintentionally hurt me, four year olds who turn to their daddy as their role model- leaving mommy's shadow, 5 year olds who gain independence- walking onto the campus of Kindergarden- not even looking behind at the mama, 6 year olds who realize maybe they do need their mom, but more than that- my 6 year old- needs Jesus and frequently acknowledges it.
It's hard because I truly do love them so much. I imagined loving my children. But, the love that I have for them is unbelievable. I think about that love being second only to the love that my heavenly father has for me. It is hard for me to feel that lovable sometimes.
My deep love for my children and the fear of anything happening to them can steal my joy in the moment. "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind" 1 Timothy 1:7.
Acknowledging that God has my children in the palm of his hand and that they are his is freeing, yet hard...I am not gonna lie. I have to trust him. I have to trust that his plan for my life and my children's lives is the best.
The hardest job I have ever loved is being a mom. My love for my children is just gripping, overwhelming and joy-filling. The very hardest part is trusting. Trusting each day for that day. Trusting the God who created each one to guide each day of their lives. Trusting God to give me the grace that I need to be the best mother that I can be. Trusting God to supply me with strength, forgiveness, wisdom.
Not your typical Mother's Day post. But, it's where my heart has been. God is in control, he is always good, always trust worthy and always faithful to me.
"As soon as I pray, you answer me; you encourage me by giving me strength" Psalm 138:8
